Everyone has their obsession; you are mine.

When I was young (or, rather, younger) I spoke boldly.
I fearlessly spoke of things I didn't know. Without fear of repercussion, I invoked the vast abstracts of love, grace and forgiveness. I am unsure if this was out of naivety, hope or passion, but somehow or another, I got to thinking I had the right to sail upon these words, although I had never really left the shoreline of youthful thinking.
Now that I am older, I live boldly.
Having been through fire and scathed, I have realized the necessary reverence of the vocabulary I once used regularly. I do not claim maturity or wisdom, but have been tested and tried in my sincerity to these weighty ideals. I do not tread lightly over grace and love and forgiveness, words now seen as fearful tides.
I believe in love. I believe in grace. The weight of these words have crushed me; left me broken and weak, seemingly defeated, because the meaning of words like these are deeper than I ever realised. I daresay, if I had foreknown the absolute reality of such crushing truths, I probably would have preferred to live, die and be a part of soft lies.
When I was young(er), I believed in the impact of such words, now I am impacted BY such words; wrestled to the floor where I must face the small honesty that in order to define love, one must be destroyed by it. These scars are our medals, and they speak of battles that should have been lost, but were won on more eternal fields than these.

Sanctified by glory and fire

Joshua Mills posted a couple weeks ago in his blog about the abortion of sin from our lives and thought. I've been thinking about this considerably lately. Josh, at one point, says:

Outward sin is only the manifestation of an inward oppression. Sin is developed within your heart and within your mind, and your mind is subject to whatever your eyes attach themselves to. Simply put, your mind goes where your eyes go, and your body goes where you mind goes.

Sin is conceived much like a child. It begins small and you at first don't even acknowledge it's existence. But it slowly grows and develops and the more you stay within the sin the more you nurture it and allow it to grow.

So our thoughts are pregnancy and our actions are the birth of that contemplation. Intentionally being impregnated by evil or depraved thoughts leads to knowingly concieving a creature bent on killing your own destruction. We know that the outcome of sin is death, so esentially we are giving birth to our own death; like thinking "I am going to give birth to something inhuman whose soul goal is to lead me to destruction".
That seems crazy.
If our "mind goes where our eyes go, and our body goes where our mind goes", why not lead it to something that DOESN'T want to kill us? Better yet, why not be lead to birth a new, eternal life.
Yeah, that sounds better, how do we do it? Paul seems to have it figured out when he tells the Church at Philippi:

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
(phil 4:8)

Be made into the home of thought that will not lead you to demise! Dwelling on the lovely things of God transforms us to look more like Him in those ways. When we arrest our thoughts to righteousness, we (or, rather, the Holy Spirit) birth newness in ourselves. We become made new, resembling our father in heaven. Be holy, be made new, don't be enslaved to anything but righteousness (which is freedom). Let yourself be someone who breathes life into places of death, not the other way around.

Josh Mills on poetic interpretation.

"You think you're wearing sunglasses, but I can see your eyes
because I punched out the lenses."

"Accepting Erosion" - first draft

I wrote this during Kneedrill tonight, there's a lot of story and thought behind it - I'll post on it soon.

I am small.
You, crashing around me
rolling over me in the morning tides
I hear nothing but the
submission of the sands
feel nothing but the
heartbeat of the waves crashing against my
small, weak, delicate and
ultimately insignificant
body.
You, enveloping my self and
urging me to break into
the bigness that -itself- overwhelms
me.

I, like the rocks upon which I stand,
will give way to the relentless waves.
and You, great Rescuer, will search
for me amongst the sands
Sweep me up and let the
current rush me from this
simple, safe and ultimately destructive
shore.

I am a house gutted by fire.

I've thrown myself back into the world of Christ-centered literature and poetry.
May YHWH continue using the warrior poets of past days to teach me to write for the sake of His Glory.

This is by Rilke. It's captured my thoughts and mediation recently.
Enjoy.

I am praying again, Awesome One.
You hear me again, as words
from the depths of me
rush toward you in the wind.

I've been scattered in pieces,
torn by conflict,
mocked by laughter,
washed down in drink.

In alleyways I sweep myself up
out of garbage and broken glass.
With my half-mouth I stammer you,
who are eternal in your symmetry.
I lift to you my half-hands
in wordless beseeching, that I may find again
the eyes with which I once beheld you.

I am a house gutted by fire
where only the guilty sometimes sleep
before the punishment that devours them
hounds them out into the open.

I am a city by the sea
sinking into a toxic tide.
I am strange to myself, as though someone unknown
had poisoned my mother as she carried me.

It's here in all the pieces of my shame
that now I find myself again.
I yearn to belong to something, to be contained
in an all-embracing mind that sees me
as a single thing.
I yearn to be held
in the great hands of your heart--
oh let them take me now.

Into them I place these fragments, my life,
and you, God--spend them however you want.

O the Spirit of Adoption!

I'm in Nanaimo! How lovely to be back at my home corps for the weekend! Though my officers are on furlough, it was delightful to see the saints I was raised fighting with. The corps is operating terrifically, many of the soldiers - old and young - stepping into their calling and wearing their uniforms and rank with holy pride. I thought I'd write out a list of things I adore about Nanaimo Corps:

• Steadfast, holy, sanctified soldiers who treat any saint or prodigal who walks through the doors as their own family.
  
• Glory flags.
  
• An excellent mixture of contemporary and traditional Army worship songs.
  
• The diversity of the corps' ages, yet the unison of their love for one another
• The well-worn Mercy seat and Holiness table
• The cacophony that rages every time everyone tries to off-beat clap
• The cookies
• The way the corps itself is run, the ranks of the soldiers being well-distributed amongst the corps and embraces local officership. (It was great to come back and see everyones new trim.)

I adore the Nanaimo Corps and all the things Christ is doing there. And what a blessing it is to have War College students and youth from my corps joining with my family's celebration of thanksgiving! Family has to be one of the most beautiful things on the planet.
Want to be part of an amazing family? Join the family of God!

PRE-CAMP SUNRISE ETIQUETTE REFRESHER

PRE-CAMP SUNRISE ETIQUETTE

For the week prior to departure for Camp Sunrise, the etiquette is as follows:


• All typing referring to Camp Sunrise must be done in only capitalized letters.
This includes but is not limited to; memories of previous year’s camps, plans made for this years camp, and discussing kit list.
• All clothing designated for Sunrise use must be laundered during this seven day period, no earlier.
• Any spoken conversation regarding Camp Sunrise must be done so in raised voices only. NO EXCEPTIONS aside from libraries, or while near babies’ cribs and sleeping parents.
• In a situation in which Camp Sunrise is being discussed, one may not compare Camp Sunrise to any previously visited camps, unless the sentence you are using is unveiling the awesomeness of Camp Sunrise compared to these sub par Camping Facilities.


For the 24 hour period before departing from Town of Residence, the rules are as follows:

• Any typing at all must be done in capital letters ONLY. This includes, but is not limited to, MSN conversations, emails to elderly grandparents, URLS, display names and search engine key phrases. To make this rule easier to apply, one might duct tape their caps lock key down at all times, or remove the key from the keyboard entirely, to avoid temptation.
• All conversation WHATSOEVER must be done so in raised voices, except in the afore mentioned places.
• This period should be used for tasks such as: arranging transportation to ferry terminal (#2 bus or parent very helpful), packing designated kit list items into designated suitcase, enjoying ones last private shower, making all other acquaintances jealous that they are not also going to Camp Sunrise.

For the 3.5 hour ferry rides you will be undertaking, we have constructed the following rules:

• One might want to make sure that they listen to Shawn’s initial instruction of where we should meet once boarded the ferry. (We’ve got your back Shawn)
• On the ferry ride leaving camp, it is HIGHLY encouraged to congregate amongst Sunrise peers and partake in the jovial singing of Camp Sunrise favorites, including but not limited to: D-I-S-C-O, The (Stupid) Squirrel Song, All 3 Camp Sunrise Theme Songs and last but certainly not least, the classic Baby Shark melody. (Remember: The louder, the better! We want the whole ferry to be entranced with your angelic voices.)

A Word About Packing:
• Though it has been highly debated in previous years, GUMBOOTS are most definitely a constant necessity. We cannot stress this enough, people!
Though they may not lend use in the traditional form, they make excellent hand baskets and are useful in the packing process. (ie: Holding socks and other small articles.)

Following these rules provided shall assist you in experiencing optimum Camp Sunrise enjoyment.
If one comes up with a new rule, they are encouraged to speak with one of us, and we shall bring it up with the committee, concerning it’s place on this hallowed list.

Your diligent Camp Sunrise Aficionados,
Caitlyn Spence and Molly Woodford

I refound this test!

I did this test a LONG time ago and the results were completely differant. Funny how I've changed.

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan --- 86%
Neo Orthodox --- 64%
Reformed Evangelical --- 61%
Fundamentalist --- 54%
Emergent/Postmodern --- 46%
Charismatic/Pentacostal --- 36%
Classical Liberal --- 32%
Roman Catholic --- 25%
Modern Liberal --- 21%


In November of 2006, I posted my scores as:

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan --- 96% (whoa, unexpected drop in that number)
Emergent/Postmodern --- 79% (I expected a drop here)
Clasical Liberal --- 75%
Reformed Evangelical --- 71%
Charismatic/Pentacostal --- 68%
Neo Orthodox --- 61%
Fundamentalist --- 61%
Modern Liberal --- 54%
Roman Catholic --- 14%

Veiled crowds and peacekeeping sounds.

The deaf lay their ears
to the ground
and we are numb to the rooster's defeated cry.
Our numbers drop, the darkness deepens
and we duck as the ravens fly
over us, eyeing our spines
dropping like the sun over the dusk.

We were once:
fresh faced boys and girls
entangled in this fight,
believing in our right
to claim foreign words.
Boys - with eyes like the ocean and freckled forewarms and
Girls- who chased fireflies, deep into the night, not for the sake of capture
but because they reminded our eyes of light.

Now we fall like wounded soldiers
to our faces in the vally of the shadow of this city,
searching the ground for the roots
of those old abstract truths
that once
dried our weeping eyes and
offended the broken-record mindset of our desert forefathers.
Such words not resound as whispers
in the foreign winds.

So now our roots force their way
into the ground, where
the saints lay on their backs, screaming,
"WHERE ARE YOU?"
to the endless sky

and the searchlights in the tall darkness
shine, as their reply.

Wake, O sleeper; rise from the dead.

The students of the Conqueror Session have been officially intitated!
They have received their prophetic names, to symbolise gaining a new identity in their resurretion and how Christ will be teaching them to be more like Him this year.

Alberta Rakestraw is Redeemed
Carlye Morris is Impact
Courtney McLeod is Adorned
Jessica Walker is Captivated
Joshua Mills is The Lord's Arrow
Sally Beauglehole is Steadfast

Pray that these names would come to fruition this year, and that the students may continue living a life of dying to self and new life in Christ.
Hallelujah! Christ has conquered death!

Mouse mouse mouse in my house.

Something I've learned today:
I'm deathly afraid of mice.

Breathe easy, kid.

This was for a very dear friend of mine.
--------------------
There are not enough paintbrushes!
No colours or motion or movement
no mathematical equation!
No Earthly characteristic or personification
to describe to you my emotional position.
Like reaching into the tall darkness to find
some sign,
and pulling down a light I thought to describe
but watching it rendered, like ten thousand words before it,
meaningless.

So, darling, I am at a loss.
Like the sound an orchastra going
in and out of tune, waiting
for the end to finally break through!
For my tounge to be loosed and
my music come into harmonious tunes
that the angels themselves might take notice
and envy the sound.

But there isn't enough canvas for the paintings it would create
nohing not eternal that could contain a word to describe it
So I'll settle with
a poem that sounds like an eighth grade english project
and a hope that living to explain this love
changes me
revives
you.

eight lines

"love never fails"
you said it, I said it
did you think I would forget?

None of that matters now
because something went wrong
and now you're gone.

And there we were,
thinking love never failed.

Kidney Police

A lot of crazy things have happened in the past week or so, I thought I would fill you in.

Kidney Stones
At 2am on August 19th, I woke up in extreme pain. I spent about half an hour throwing up in the bathroom, before the pain in my left side started to grow so intense I felt like I was dying. I was shivering all over and could brely breathe it hurt so bad. I was near screaming in pain and started begging my disgruntled roomate to call Jonathan, Aaron, the hospital, anyone. Cherie White soon picked me up and drove me to the hospital, where I continued throwing up into garbage cans and screaming. The nurse who initially met me was sure I was high. I was soon admitted and an IV was thrown in my arm. Most of the night after that is a blur. I remember evangelising to the nurse, which went great in my mind but apperantly sounded crazy and theologically unstable to Cherie and Meghan (and probably the nurse). I was pumped full of painkillers that caused me to go in and out of sleep 3 times during a single conversation and was given a blood test, urine test and Xray. The result was Kidney Stones. I was put on 3 differant medicines and sent home. All of these medicines, however, started to mess with my stumach and I threw up water and everything else the second I swallowed it. I was up all night throwing up for 2 nights and didn't eat anything for about 3. Turns out I also have a hernia in my stumach, so I got perscribed another medicine. Go me!
Still in pain a lot. pray please.

Radiohead
A couple hours after coming home from the hospital, I saw Radiohead in concert and it was AMAZING! It was pouring rain and I had no jacket, but it was remarkable. I wouldn' have changed anything for the world. Perfet setlist, amazing energy, horrible opening band - everything you would dream of.

Graduation
I actually graduated from the War College. The kneedrill where we celebrated was terrific. I did a poetery reading, Robbie performed a song he wrote and Jessica danced something she had choreographed which was so amazing I couldn't stop crying. Deanna came from Nanaimo and it was just so beautiful; celebrating with all of these terrific saints. May God bless the Conquerors Session!

Donny and Jenea's wedding
Again, something that brought me to tears. I have never been to a more holy wedding. Jesus was just teaching me bout the eternal weight of it all, and I could barely stand up it was so overwhelming a revelation. To think that they are now one; never ever seperate entities again. It was all very much for me to handle. I think, also, that Yahweh has been using it to turn my heart. I have never really believed in marrige or romantic love, but maybe I ought to.

Megan Smith.
I just spent time at the airport bidding farewels to one of the bravest, most beautiful, graceful and furious warriors I have ever fought alongside of. There were many tears and smiles (mostly tears). I found it remarkably hard to let go of her and watch her walk towards the doors, so much bigger than her, and know she was walkinginto a completly new and differant place of her life - or maybe the same place as a differant person.
I'm not good with goodbyes, and the whole situation was a lot more weepy than eloquent.

Tomorrow I say goodbye to Ashley Aspeitia.
This is hard.
May God bless these relationships as they learn to live as more extended community.

I love you.
If anyone is feeling discouraged, get in touch with me, I would love to pray for and encourage you in the fight.
I believe we will win.
caitlyn.

Memorize this.

This is my favourite song of the moment.
It's called Atonement Q and A by Shai Linne.
It's Christian hip-hop and completly solid.
www.myspace.com/shailinne




Who is God? God is the universe’s Creator
And Sustainer plus the only Savior, there is no one greater
He triune, holy, omnipotent, omniscient, absolute
Loving, sovereign and righteous are a few of His attributes
How do we know this? Well, we know this from the Bible
Where God has revealed Himself- anything else is just an idol
What’s the Bible about? Man’s complete ruin in sin
And what God has done in Christ to bring us to Him again
What is sin? Sin is the breaking of God’s law
Plus our condition, which means from birth we all got flaws
What’s the result? The result is by nature we’re God’s enemies
And must pay the penalty unless God provides the remedy
What the remedy? The remedy is the cross of Christ
Where He suffered all the strikes for the lawless type
I’ve been rescued by the Lamb, I’m convinced that He’s risen
And blessed is the man whose sins are forgiven!

Just fall back, and with the eyes of faith
Behold the beauty of surprising grace
Because the Lamb has died, third day He had to rise
He’s magnified- God’s wrath is satisfied
Just fall back- there’s an atonement now
The cross of Christ is holy ground
Because the Lamb has died, third day He had to rise
He’s magnified- God’s wrath is satisfied

Regeneration- the Holy Spirit’s true work in His love
To the elect, who receive new birth from above
Expiation- expiation means God’s removed my filthiness
The old testament type was the goat into the wilderness
Redemption- we’ve been freed from slavery to sin
And His very own blood is the price He paid, my friend
Propitiation- Propitiation means since the Lamb has died
His work is finished- God’s wrath is satisfied
Adoption- adoption means God is now my Father
I got the hottest Poppa and by the Spirit holler Abba
Reconciliation means there’s no more enmity
God is now a friend to me, we’re no longer enemies
Justification- God declares us righteous
Sanctification- we’re being made into His likeness
Glorification- that’s what happens at the finish
When God conforms believers perfectly to Christ’s image!

Just fall back, and with the eyes of faith
Behold the beauty of surprising grace
Because the Lamb has died, third day He had to rise
He’s magnified- God’s wrath is satisfied
Just fall back- there’s an atonement now
The cross of Christ is holy ground
Because the Lamb has died, third day He had to rise
He’s magnified- God’s wrath is satisfied

God’s grace is magnificent, He slayed His innocent
Son- through faith and repentance we get the benefits
What is faith? Faith is a gift from God- when we receive this
We trust and treasure the person and finished work of Jesus
Repentance? Repentance is turning from your sin
And trusting Christ as the Spirit cleanses you within
What is grace? Oh, grace is unmerited favor
Our inheritance major ‘cause we cherish the Savior
Right, and if I may quote again, we were doomed with Satan
But believers get Jesus’ righteousness through imputation
Imputation? God takes Jesus’ righteousness amount
Through faith He credits it into the Christian’s account
Anything else? Well, I guess this overview must suffice
But none of this is possible apart from union with Christ
And finally, once you know the ways of the Lord than the
only thing that you can say is Soli Deo Gloria!

On blessings and birthdays.

All I ever wanted was to be saved. I wanted a pass into something that wasn't going to suck, for once. Heaven didn't seem to suck, didn't seem to want to hurt me, abandon me or forget about me, so I wanted it. And that's it. All I wanted was to not be hurt in the eternal like I had been already. And I came to salvation one day in April 3 years ago, breathing a heavy sigh of relief that I had something to hold on to after the loathsome experiance of Earthly life.
But I got so much more than that.
I'm uncomfortable with blessings, really. I think I feel like I got what I came for, and to ask for more is to be ungrateful, but these are things that Yhwh wants me to have. Things like adoption, trust in Him, to feel safe and cared for and to have unswerving faith that I am not foresaken or forgotten. I never looked for a God who wanted to love me or speak to me or work in my life, but that's what the God who looked for me ended up being like.
Blessings flow from the cross, my friends.
Are you truly living in the blessing you've been given?
Are you receiving all that the God who gives good gifts is desiring to give you?
Resisitance is futile. And just really lame.


Speaking of blessings, I just burst into tears
I officially turned 19 approx. 19 minutes ago, and in that time got 13 text messages, 4 facebook posts and a phone call.
These friends of mine are amazing, and so much of my delight is in them.

Hallelujah.

Drop the bags, walk home. No longer will we ever be alone.

Last night I dreamed about some stuff that Dan had just moved out of the Mitchell house (in real life) being moved back in. It was really inconvenient, obviously. My interpretation upon waking was wondering if I've been letting the junk that I have kicked out of me come back in - quickly.
It really just comes down to choice. I need to choose this day whom I will serve. Do I serve Yhwh? The God who brought me forth from captivity? The one who found me abandoned on the side of the road in a pool of my own blood and took me home, scraped the crap off me and called me beautiful? Or do I follow the god I've carved myself. The one made of driftwood etched with the names "misery, isolation, despair, rejection, suicide". The one who has no mouth to speak to me, nor ears to hear my cries, nor eyes to see my turmoil. Only names to brand me with.

As for me and my house, we will serve YHWH.

May the Lord bless the sanctifying work He is doing in me.
I am not who I once was.
I am resurrected.

peace and fullness in Christ,
caitlyn.

Shadows hide me from the light that calls my name

In stained - glass windows, I often heard the song's reprise.
Reality resounding somewhere in the brokenness and despair
beyond the veiled crowds and the peacekeeping sounds.

My roots force their way
through the pavement
And the saints lay on their backs,
screaming to the endless sky
"where are you"

And the searchlights in the tall darkness
shine in their reply.

- caitlyn spence.

A few weeks ago, some of my sessionmates and I were discussing our 4 favourite biblical scenes. Mine were as follows:
Elijah and prophets of Baal on Mt. Carmel. (1kings18)
The Circumcision at Gilgal (josh5)
Jesus sitting alone at the Jordan (john10)
Nehemiah exhorting the Israelites and the early construction of Jerusalem's wall. (nehemiah 4)

It was pointed out that all of my favorite scenes have to do with repentance and holiness, and I think it;s true that these are some of the most important and recurring themes in my life. Actually, I think they are the most important things in life in general.
Repentance; the turning of hearts. Without repentance, there is only death. There is only hearts set on seeking what is seen, what passes away. It is the rolling away of reproach from our former ways. If we do not cut our old ways from ourselves, how will we then go on to live as new creations, unbound by our broken chains.
If we are consecrated to Him, He will do amazing things among us.

An important reminder from a friend

Yesterday, while I babysitting the 4 children of Aaron and Cherie White, Noah (who is 3) was watching a show called George Shrinks on my laptop. In this particular episode, George was frightened by what he believed to be a ghost. Noah's response to this was taking the laptop by it's screen and proclaiming loudly:
"Jesus is WITH you! He has the POWER to destroy that ghost!"

Amen.

Learning the language of a story told to farmers.

I am sorry for my slowness to write, but sometimes I open up the window and I stare at the text box and get completly overewhelmed by the size of it. How on earth do I fit my entire jam-packed life into a box barely a third the size of my laptop moniter? I'll start out with the small stuff, because that's usually the most important, anyway, right?
This morning was one of my favorite mornings I've had in a long time. It consisted of waking up early to spend time in a garden in an empty lot with the lovely Olivia Munn, discussing the resurrection. My bare, pale hands enshrouded in dark earth, surrounded by the potential of life blossoming just beneith me. As I established the home of what will eventually (hopefully!) be a cloud of roses and thorns in the middle of our vegitable garden, I contemplated the resurrection of Christ, and the signifigance of His appearance to Mary. I'm not the type to associate myself with an idea just because of what the surface literature provides, therefore I've never believed that Jesus was raised in anything but His original Earthly body. Although the text reads that three or so people didn't recognise Him right off, I don't see any proper proof to believe that Jesus had a new body - as I was taught in my Jehovah's Witness childhood. On this particular morning, however, as my heart was hoping for the beauty of roses to spring up from where I had embedded their beginnings and the weight of the moment when Mary first sees the resurrected Christ absorbed my thoughts. Mary was pretty emotional when she saw Jesus' body was missing, she probably wouldn't have recognised her own reflection. Her Risen Lord speaks to her and she assumes it's the gardener. And she assumes it because it's true. Because Christ IS the gardener. It was in a garden that we were given life. We were exiled from that Garden because cursed death was placed on us. And so it was that in a garden, our Lord was arrested and sent to His own death. And it was from this garden tomb that the new promise of life erupted forth. That morning, a woman was crying about an empty tomb, not realizing that that tomb was full; the walls were salvation. The garden she wept in was the completly redeemed life. The curse given in the first garden was taken away on the cross, and the effects of it were completly destroyed when a man walked from a tomb into another garden. Mary was completly right with her first assumption of who the man standing behind he was. This was the gardener. All things around her were created by him. This new, redeemed life she had stumbled into, this garden, it was His. He had made it and it was beautiful. He had spent the winter waiting for the rebirth of the spring and watched it unfold in the eyes of a young, innocent woman.
In summation, the garden is life. We were created for it, and were escorted out by the hands of death. But just as Death escorted Lord Jesus from Gethsemane to the cross, Jesus carried from his own grave the seed of redeemed life. The original blessings of the original garden and covenant made available to transgressors by way of the Gardener himself.
Behold, the old has passed away and He makes all things new.

The old, tired ground has passed away.
Wake up, O bride. Rise from your tomb and come into the garden.
Your groom awaits, and he has made all things new.

grace.
caitlyn.