I can't even make words right now

Where do I start?
War College.
I'm still not sure, or if I am I'm unsure about my surity. It was amazing, it was scary, it was confusing, it was intense, it was eye-opening.
It took me being there to realize how sheltered I am. I've never been in any enviroment half that intense. But I was so scared, and so uneasy and so in love with it.
Who knows.

This is where it stands. I could see myself at War College, and I plan on it. I just don't know when or how. Danae has trained me to take over Wild Truth. If I don't run Wild Truth next year, I don't see who will. Apperantly God has a plan or something.
Or so I''ve heard.

I was getting lines for a poem in my head today, but I didn't like them so much when I got them on paper. The only ones that stood out were

"And so I will dream dreams and mutter sacred sounds

And with soundless words and wordless sounds, I'll take hold of their lifeless arms"

In a side note, I miss my bestfriendship with you like mad.
I love you.
Grace.

Shoelaces=love

This is love:

I was bawling on the phone. Very rarely do I allow tears to invade my conversations, but I'm was too much of a mess to worry about holding down floodgates these days.
So I was missing a meeting, missing a dinner and missing my mom and apologizing to Shawn for slamming the door on him this morning over something he was probably right about, and I burst into tears.
I was crying about everything, and things I don't even want to talk about. He and molly were on speakerphone with me and I was weeping my heart out because of things Molly might have half-understood.

And then a while later, Shawn shows up at my door with an "emo care package", full of chocolate (because it's chocolate), shoelaces (because I'm emo), shampoo (because...I'm greasy?) and corn (because I am a vegitarian).

And my head hurts from crying, and I don't feel much better, but I feel loved.
And I'm glad this conversation happened, because I could have never had it by myself:

MOLLY <> says:
after we got off the phone with you
MOLLY <> says:
i was like "she really loves you shawn, you know"
Caitlyn.. it's only a matter of life or death says:
what did he say?
MOLLY <> says:
he asked me why i think that
Caitlyn.. it's only a matter of life or death says:
what did you say?
MOLLY <> says:
i said "i think she thinks of you as the father she's never really had"
Caitlyn.. it's only a matter of life or death says:
then what?
Caitlyn.. it's only a matter of life or death says:
(I could never say these words)
MOLLY <> says:
he got really happy

a coward disguised as a lover.

I'm a crazy mess, but my King loves me like crazy and has a plan.

That's what I've been telling myself for the past day or so, or, rather, reminding myself.
Grade 12 is a mess.
My friendships are a mess.
My sermon is a mess.
Hosanna is a mess. (it's my first bible study, okay?)
My emotions are a mess.
My rediculous love life (or lack of) is a mess.
My God is amazing.

Pray for my mommy, she's going to Edmonton in a few hours for 3 days and I am going to miss her so much.
My house will be a mess.

My acoustic project is coming together swimmingly.

I've been listening to This Providence (www.myspace.com/this providence) like crazy, pretty much the best christian band I've heard in a long time. If you like Paramore and/or Run Kid Run, you'll like them.

next weekend I'm off to The War College for a visit with Nicole. I'm nervous, I'm excited, I want something revealed to me while I'm there, but I won't press God for it, he tells me things when he wants me to know them.

I LOVE YOU.
Peace, grace, namaste.

St. Francis' prayer

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
where there is hatred; let me sow love
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
-Saint Francis of Assisi