you being in love... (XII) by E. E. Cummings

you being in love
will tell who softly asks in love,

am i separated from your body smile brain hands merely
to become the jumping puppets of a dream? oh i mean:
entirely having in my careful how
careful arms created this at length
inexcusable, this inexplicable pleasure-you go from several
persons: believe me that strangers arrive
when i have kissed you into a memory
slowly, oh seriously
-that since and if you disappear

solemnly
myselves
ask "life, the question how do i drink dream smile

and how do i prefer this face to another and
why do i weep eat sleep-what does the whole intend"
they wonder. oh and they cry "to be, being, that i am alive
this absurd fraction in its lowest terms
with everything cancelled
but shadows
-what does it all come down to? love? Love
if you like and i like,for the reason that i
hate people and lean out of this window is love,love
and the reason that i laugh and breathe is oh love and the reason
that i do not fall into this street is love."

The end will justify the pain it took to get us there

So I recently saw the film Hairspray. For anyone who doesn't know my movie taste, I typically dislike anything made after the year 1961. But Hairspray really took me by surprise, and though I've never seen it's original, I really enjoyed it. It is based in 1964 and pretty much depicts the transition between 1950s moral code and 1960s free love. There's a particular scene in which a black inhabitants of Baltimore go on a march in response to the recent news that there will no longer be black actors on local tv. There's a song during that part that I think reminded me of why I believe what I do.

There's a road we must travel
There's a promise we must make
'Cause the riches will be plenty
Worth the risk and chances that we take
There's a dream in the future
There's a struggle we have yet to win
'Cause just to sit still would be a sin

I think that's a pretty good summation of the point of Christianity.
I think I'm getting reminded of a lot lately.
And I think that I should be reading my Bible a lot more often. I haven't done it very much since the beginning of Summer and that's dumb.

Rejoice in all things, for the day of the LORD is near

Worship the LORD your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you,
Exodus 23:25

He called his twelve disciples to him and gave them authority to drive out evil spirits and to heal every disease and sickness.
Matthew 10:1

Father we're asking for cleansing at Camp Sunrise.
Eloi, we ask for blood ans fire and billows of smoke, we claim healing and we declare holiness of the children and the staff. You built Camp Sunrise as a place for us to come to meet with you, Yahweh, so we're declaring that it be used by no one else and for no other purpose. Lord we proclain in the name of Jesus Christ that that land is to be Holy and that nothing that is not sent by you can touch it's ground. Death has no place in those children.
Gracious Healer, we thank you so much for the people there that you have already begun healing and for the people you will heal. We know that you have authority over illness and we claim that over Camp Sunrise right now. We ask for legions of angels. We ask for an invisible army to walk the Camp alongside the visible one, the staff. Raise up the staff as warriors, and let them fight with the blood and fire and may you be glorified. Make them strong and healthy, remind them to keep their eyes on you and be joyful in you.


In Jesus' name, Amen.

I don't need to know right now, I know I believe

Lately I'm alright, lately I'm not scared.
-Suspension, Mae

I'm learning dependency. My tattoo is neat. I see Lisa in a few days.
Two more days until my 18th birthday.
4 more weeks until I give my two weeks at Winners.
7 more weeks until I'm in Vancouver.

Current album of choice: Abbey Road - The Beatles

Promoted to Glory.

So, here is something hard.
An incredible woman that our church was blessed to have amongst us, Colonel Iris, died in her sleep last night - was Promoted to Glory.
I think this takes me more by surprise than anything, she was so fine last Sunday.
She had incredible faith in the youth and elders of our church alike, and served the LORD with grace and a smiling heart.
She was a mentor to many of the girls in our church and a beautiful soul.


I don't know what else to say. I think she was absolutely incredible and I regret never telling her.
But we'll meet again, I'll be sure to tell her then.

In Christ,
caitlyn.

Remember when I JUST said how much I miss Mike?

Caitlyn.. if it's once, I've got it; if it's twice, I don't says:
I love you guys
#27..betta recognize says:
and i love you
#27..betta recognize says:
i miss you meng
Caitlyn.. if it's once, I've got it; if it's twice, I don't says:
I miss you too, Mike

Wow my God is faithful, and wow does He ever listen.
I type a blog about missing Michael, pray for the vbs team at 614 and he comes online as soon as I'm done.
Pray for that vbs team, by the way. I don't think they'll be continuing the station at 614, seeing as how over half the team just watched a guy fall from a fifth floor window at The Empress about two hours ago.
They're pretty shook up.

Honest words are typically written near midnight

Life is funny and time is frustrating.
I find it inconvenient that I can't make life or time stop at my will. There's a lot of me coming to the surface recently, and it's becoming a lot to deal with. I'm actually feeling pretty overwhelmed. It seems unfair that when I wake up tomorrow, life will be happening and I will be wasting it working out the tangles in my now-emerging troubled soul.

I want my community back. Blasted summer camp jobs that take them off of the island! I'd give anything right now for a Tyler Paquette Power Hug right now, or for Michelle Latour's jackhammer laugh and listening skills, let alone what I would do for a phone call with Michael Anderson as he plays video games and quotes Mitch Hedburg. Jen Schaper is coming home tomorrow, thank God. Taylor Craig is also coming from Victoria sometime this week hopefully, I kinda of burst into tears on the phone with him because I miss him so much.

I feel lonely and downtrodden and I love God.
I've been reading Jeremiah and Lamentations fairly consistently these past days.
I think I'm starting to learn what I'm supposed to.

Namaste, grace
and I love you so much.
caitlyn.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord.
"They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future
and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will be found by you,"
says the Lord. "I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will
gather you out of the nations where I sent you and bring you
home again to your own land."
-Jeremiah 29:11-13

To sink for your sins, lest grace be the wind.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
-Psalm 43:5

My heart feels heavy, and my spirit is at disrest within me. My thoughts have been full of sorrow and second-guessing the Spirit. And I understand that it needs to be worked through and not ignored, but I'm losing patience and maybe even passion. And I know I'm okay, that this isn't the first time I've felt this way nor will it be the last. That the point of conviction and this kind of brokenness means I become someone better. The question is whether or not I'm prepared to do what I'm supposed to. The LORD told Joshua to consecrate himself, for He was going to do amazing things with him. I could definitely use some cleansing if I'm going to allow Elohim to do anything with me.
This is where the honesty that I'm afraid of kicks in.
Because the truth is, I'm an addict to my sin. That I get so high off my pride and my reputation that I stop caring who I'm hurting or what I could be doing with myself. That my pride grows like weeds inside me and corrupts my mind, causes me to spend hours trying to do nothing but impress someone. And my stubborn independence refuses to let me be vulnerable, which leaves me lacking community or any true reliance on God.
AND NOW YOU KNOW.
Because I know people read this blog, people I look up to and I would love to look faultless before, or constantly wise I would love it if you all liked me but I think I need to stop hating myself for the possibility that all of you might not.
But this must be some sort of step, some sort of starting point.
I've felt sick with sin for weeks, and dealing with it on my own this time is running me down.

And if you really wanted to know a secret, I've been cutting myself for five years, maybe four. And I don't want anyone to know at all, because I'm tired of having to comfort the people it effects, and I know that's selfish and prideful and all the things I'm working on, I realize that.
And now I'm scared, because I realize that sort of jeopardizes next year.

Wash me of my sin and cleanse me of my inequity, O Yeshua.
I want to feel healed and clean and right again. To look to the mountains and wonder where my help comes from.
But this is only a starting point.

Namaste, I absolutely love you all.
Be blessed. Grace.
caitlyn.

(post-script: Currently listening to Empire by As Cities Burn

i was a middle son
between two wayward ones
i was more deserving of my parent's love

i had an angel's smile
hiding a vulture's bite
i had no use for your redeeming blood

aren't i glory, glorious

glory, glorious
aren't we glory, glorious
aren't we worthy, worthy of hearts at our feet

i was a pharisee
i never saw my need for grace
then your love came to me
stood next to mine and i saw that i was poor

show me i was poor
show us we are
show us we are

glory, glorious
we are glory, glorious
not from what good we have done
but from being the least

glory, glorious
oh, i dont know how i was made

my heaven tower sways atop their fleeting praise
God, i dont know how i was made

glory, glorious
are we glory, glorious?
are we worthy, worthy of hearts at our feet?
glory, glorious
we are glory, glorious
not from what we've done
but being the least

i was a wicked one)

Somebody spoke and i went into a dream

Currently listening to A Day In The Life by The Beatles

As a general rundown, it wasn't what I expected but what I asked for; a common theme in my life at the moment. I went asking for the Holy Spirit, and with that comes the Lord's conviction. I got convicted of some awfully odd things this week and some pretty huge things.
And I think I'm different now, or at least a heck of a lot more conscious of who I'm supposed to be.
At one point, mid-week, I was just so full of sorrow from conviction and from fear and feeling broken. Because, to be completely honest, I'm really kinda pretty scared about next year. Not as much now as I was then, because I've been given a lot of peace about it, but I was pretty freaked for a while about it. Walked out on campfire for pretty much a 3 hour yelling sesh with God. It seemed like if He expects something so big from me next year and something I'm so obviously frightened by, I should be receiving a lot more comfort, more strength than I have been. There were truly glimpses of thoughts for seconds that wondered if I'd ever really known God, but I was in my senses enough to cast those off quickly.
I'm really not sure where I am now, but I think from here on out it doesn't matter so much if I have a word to define my faith.
But it wasn't all sorrow. That's half-true, all of the joy was connected to sorrow in one way or another. I remember at one point God calling me to my knees, and Him saying "See? This is where you're supposed to be". I think my life has been far too much about holding myself on my own two feet for far too long. I don't need to prove anything to anyone by pulling myself up, I need to be content on my knees; it's easier to lose balance when you're farther from the ground anyway.

The first worship session, the first chord of the first song hit me hard. There was a lot of pleading for God to call all of those kids home, a lot of hurting in my heart and spirit. I couldn't even be in the chapel. I had to walk outside and sit on the ground and felt like Rachael weeping.
I wrote a poem while in that frame of mind:

Is your excuse that you can not see, nor hear, nor feel?
And are you so numb to not be warmed by the Sun that rises for you
or the stars that attempt to guide you; set a course to guide you home.
And still your cry in the night
resounds: screaming
WHERE ARE YOU
and echoes into the reaching sky.

Things that mark me as worth mentioning:

• Deck parties with Carlye
• Colouring in the Pirate Colouring book.
• The sweet beetle I found at 2 am outside the Chapel.
• The frightening experience of getting a "firm talking to" from a pregnant woman in a sundress.
• The fact that I preach at my church, run a youth service, preach at another youth service, lead a children's program, started a cell group and mentorship program and I wasn't allowed to leave my cabin after 12 (not that it stopped me).
  
• "apperantly all of the Caitlyn/Katelyns at camp have issues with authority"-Shirley Perry
  
• Being anointed with oils by someone that I love as much as Lisa
• The oil stains in half my stuff because of an anointing-happy Lisa
• how grateful I am for Lisa.
  
• Xander Coleman's obnoxious laugh.
  
• Seeing Andy Mac for probably the last time ever.
• Long conversations with Aaron and Johnathan that didn't so much comfort me, but assure me that I'm allowed to be scared.
  
• Praying over Chantelle
• Watching the girls from Hosanna disciple their own youth.
  

I probably have much more to say, but I'm done with computers.

I love you, namaste
Caitlyn Spence.