To sink for your sins, lest grace be the wind.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
-Psalm 43:5

My heart feels heavy, and my spirit is at disrest within me. My thoughts have been full of sorrow and second-guessing the Spirit. And I understand that it needs to be worked through and not ignored, but I'm losing patience and maybe even passion. And I know I'm okay, that this isn't the first time I've felt this way nor will it be the last. That the point of conviction and this kind of brokenness means I become someone better. The question is whether or not I'm prepared to do what I'm supposed to. The LORD told Joshua to consecrate himself, for He was going to do amazing things with him. I could definitely use some cleansing if I'm going to allow Elohim to do anything with me.
This is where the honesty that I'm afraid of kicks in.
Because the truth is, I'm an addict to my sin. That I get so high off my pride and my reputation that I stop caring who I'm hurting or what I could be doing with myself. That my pride grows like weeds inside me and corrupts my mind, causes me to spend hours trying to do nothing but impress someone. And my stubborn independence refuses to let me be vulnerable, which leaves me lacking community or any true reliance on God.
AND NOW YOU KNOW.
Because I know people read this blog, people I look up to and I would love to look faultless before, or constantly wise I would love it if you all liked me but I think I need to stop hating myself for the possibility that all of you might not.
But this must be some sort of step, some sort of starting point.
I've felt sick with sin for weeks, and dealing with it on my own this time is running me down.

And if you really wanted to know a secret, I've been cutting myself for five years, maybe four. And I don't want anyone to know at all, because I'm tired of having to comfort the people it effects, and I know that's selfish and prideful and all the things I'm working on, I realize that.
And now I'm scared, because I realize that sort of jeopardizes next year.

Wash me of my sin and cleanse me of my inequity, O Yeshua.
I want to feel healed and clean and right again. To look to the mountains and wonder where my help comes from.
But this is only a starting point.

Namaste, I absolutely love you all.
Be blessed. Grace.
caitlyn.

(post-script: Currently listening to Empire by As Cities Burn

i was a middle son
between two wayward ones
i was more deserving of my parent's love

i had an angel's smile
hiding a vulture's bite
i had no use for your redeeming blood

aren't i glory, glorious

glory, glorious
aren't we glory, glorious
aren't we worthy, worthy of hearts at our feet

i was a pharisee
i never saw my need for grace
then your love came to me
stood next to mine and i saw that i was poor

show me i was poor
show us we are
show us we are

glory, glorious
we are glory, glorious
not from what good we have done
but from being the least

glory, glorious
oh, i dont know how i was made

my heaven tower sways atop their fleeting praise
God, i dont know how i was made

glory, glorious
are we glory, glorious?
are we worthy, worthy of hearts at our feet?
glory, glorious
we are glory, glorious
not from what we've done
but being the least

i was a wicked one)