Somebody spoke and i went into a dream

Currently listening to A Day In The Life by The Beatles

As a general rundown, it wasn't what I expected but what I asked for; a common theme in my life at the moment. I went asking for the Holy Spirit, and with that comes the Lord's conviction. I got convicted of some awfully odd things this week and some pretty huge things.
And I think I'm different now, or at least a heck of a lot more conscious of who I'm supposed to be.
At one point, mid-week, I was just so full of sorrow from conviction and from fear and feeling broken. Because, to be completely honest, I'm really kinda pretty scared about next year. Not as much now as I was then, because I've been given a lot of peace about it, but I was pretty freaked for a while about it. Walked out on campfire for pretty much a 3 hour yelling sesh with God. It seemed like if He expects something so big from me next year and something I'm so obviously frightened by, I should be receiving a lot more comfort, more strength than I have been. There were truly glimpses of thoughts for seconds that wondered if I'd ever really known God, but I was in my senses enough to cast those off quickly.
I'm really not sure where I am now, but I think from here on out it doesn't matter so much if I have a word to define my faith.
But it wasn't all sorrow. That's half-true, all of the joy was connected to sorrow in one way or another. I remember at one point God calling me to my knees, and Him saying "See? This is where you're supposed to be". I think my life has been far too much about holding myself on my own two feet for far too long. I don't need to prove anything to anyone by pulling myself up, I need to be content on my knees; it's easier to lose balance when you're farther from the ground anyway.

The first worship session, the first chord of the first song hit me hard. There was a lot of pleading for God to call all of those kids home, a lot of hurting in my heart and spirit. I couldn't even be in the chapel. I had to walk outside and sit on the ground and felt like Rachael weeping.
I wrote a poem while in that frame of mind:

Is your excuse that you can not see, nor hear, nor feel?
And are you so numb to not be warmed by the Sun that rises for you
or the stars that attempt to guide you; set a course to guide you home.
And still your cry in the night
resounds: screaming
WHERE ARE YOU
and echoes into the reaching sky.

Things that mark me as worth mentioning:

• Deck parties with Carlye
• Colouring in the Pirate Colouring book.
• The sweet beetle I found at 2 am outside the Chapel.
• The frightening experience of getting a "firm talking to" from a pregnant woman in a sundress.
• The fact that I preach at my church, run a youth service, preach at another youth service, lead a children's program, started a cell group and mentorship program and I wasn't allowed to leave my cabin after 12 (not that it stopped me).
  
• "apperantly all of the Caitlyn/Katelyns at camp have issues with authority"-Shirley Perry
  
• Being anointed with oils by someone that I love as much as Lisa
• The oil stains in half my stuff because of an anointing-happy Lisa
• how grateful I am for Lisa.
  
• Xander Coleman's obnoxious laugh.
  
• Seeing Andy Mac for probably the last time ever.
• Long conversations with Aaron and Johnathan that didn't so much comfort me, but assure me that I'm allowed to be scared.
  
• Praying over Chantelle
• Watching the girls from Hosanna disciple their own youth.
  

I probably have much more to say, but I'm done with computers.

I love you, namaste
Caitlyn Spence.