I hadn't posted in a while, so...

1.) Spell your name out in band names or singers.

Crowned King
As Cities Burn
It Dies Today
Throwdown
Lydia
Yesterday's Rising
Night of the Wrecking Ball

2) Have you ever had a song written about you?
song, I'm not sure. Poem, yes.

APPEARANCE

HEIGHT: 5'5
HAIR COLOR: browwn.
SKIN COLOR: I guess...peach
EYE COLOR: brown and green
PIERCINGS: one in each ear and several ex-piercings

WHAT YOU WEARING?:
jeans, a white tank top and a black and grey sweater

WHAT SONG ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
Always move fast by Lydia


WHAT TASTE IS IN YOUR MOUTH?:
my lime chapstick

WHAT'S THE WEATHER LIKE?:
cold, and it's dark right now.

HOW ARE YOU?:
tired, maybe content, I can't tell.

GET MOTION SICKNESS?
on boats sometimes.

BAD HABITS?
biting my nails and I swear way too much

GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS?
most of the time, especially with my mom

SEXUALITY?
Straight

CHILDREN?:
Zero

BEEN HURT?:
Who hasn't?

YOUR GREATEST REGRET(S)?:
I guess I'm greatful for everything that has made me who I am, but I regret not saying somethings when I had the chance or before it was too late.

GONE OUT WITH A SOMEONE YOU ONLY KNEW FOR THREE DAYS?:
Nooo.

YOUR CD PLAYER HAS IN IT RIGHT NOW?:
Idiot Pilot - Strange we should meet here
Greg Sczebel - Here to stay
Underoath - The changing of the times
OKGO - Oh no
Blindside - The great depression

THINGS IN YOUR ROOM:
bed, clothes, cds, my stereo, at least 6 quilts and 8 pillows.


SEVEN THINGS THAT ATTRACT YOU TO THE OPPOSITE/
PREFERRED SEX:
1. hair
2. God-love
3. humour
4. good conversationalist
5. ability to make me come out of my shell
6. thinks I'm way pretty
7. reads/writes/paints

Do You Smoke?:
never

Read the newspaper?:
on weekends mostly, or in Civ class

Do Drugs?:
no

HAVE YOU EVER:

Been in love?: no

Had medical emergency? not especially

Had surgery?: no

Swam in the dark?: lots, is that odd?

slept outdoors?: yes, on my trampoline

Pulled an all nighter?: like, once or twice a week

Been on radio/tv?: yeah. for Full Circle.

Been to a party: YES! I'M SO TEENAGER!

Gotten lost in the woods?: I don't think so. I don't even know where there ARE woods. I would probably get lost on the way to finding the woods.

Do you have any gay/lesbian/bi friends?: do I ever.

ABOUT YOU

Wallet: it's green. I can't find it.

Coffee: with cream

Cologne/Perfume: I don't wear it, really. sometimes I spray lemon tea oil in my hair to make me smell nice, though.

IN THE LAST 24 HOURS HAVE YOU...

Cried: yes.

Bought something: eyeliner, shampoo, conditioner, CD

Gotten sick: momentarily

Sang: uhhh, Yes? I had a freaking concert by myself in my room, like, 2 hours ago.

Been kissed: yes.

Talked to someone you have a crush on: maybe.

Had a serious talk: yes! me and Spencer have serious talks all the time! about VITAL ISSUES!

Missed someone: I usually am.

Hugged someone: yes

Argued with a parent(s): no.

Attend Church: I will in about 9 hours


LAST:

Thing you drank: my mom's washed-out attempt at chai tea.

Place you went: Shopper's Drugmart

Person you talked to in person: in my family? my dad. out of family, Kailey?

Person you IMed: Shayna

LAST QUESTIONS

1.Your full name? Caitlyn Theresa Spence

2. Grandparents' first names? Bev, William, Barbera, Theresa, Tom

3. What songs do you sing in the shower? My Heart by Paramore, assorted worship songs.

4. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? the shady creatures and witches I was SURE lived in my mom's bathroom.

5. When and why did you last vomit? like, yesterday morning at Taylors, because my stomach was acting up.

6. What's in your pockets right now? chapstick

7. What color are your bedroom walls? sand?

8. Last thing that made you laugh? talking on the phone with Spencer

9. Nicknames you name your parents? Mom, dad, wo/man that owns me.

11. How do you like your chocolate? light. I can't do heavy or dark chocolate.

A lesson on thought and will.

I can't help but think that there's more than this. I can't help but think that every single person on this earth needs a little healing and aches for a hope they can't understand. I can't help but think that even the people who think they understand, don't. I can't help but believe with all of my spirit that God is love, and that love (God) is the answer to so many, if not every issue facing this earth. I can't help try facing up to the fact that I'm empty without Him, and that all my personal accomplishments must be eclipsed by the very glory of his being. I can't help mourning for the lost, and can't help ignoring the fact that, because I have running water, another kid doesn't. I can't help but think that there's more to Christianity than listening to worship music and Sunday mornings.

I can't help feeling scared and burned sometimes.
But I can help the lonely and broken feel loved and safe.

Naps are bad for Full Circle sermons.

I have my Full Circle sermon.
Well, I mean, I haven't written it or anything, but it hit me while I was walking home.
Jesus and the homeless.
I don't know why it took thins long to hit me, God's been speaking it into me for a few months.
I came up with some great lines on my walk home, but then I fell asleep insted of writing them down.
But still. Jesus and the homeless.

What picture did Nasa take?

So yesterday was long. spent a lot of hours on Gabriola Island, and missed the band I went to see because I had to catch the last ferry. It's okay, I just love seeing Gabriola Kids.
My back hurts like crazy from 15 hours of heavy backpack and standing yesterday, and I'll go do some stretches and stuff after this to loosen it up.
I don't have much to say of significance, Hosanna was great on Thursday and I had the honour to talk out a lot of the stuff I've been studying about our ties to Judaism.
I have tickets to this thing tonight, a presentation of Mozart's Messiah. I'm stoked, but I need to find someone else who would be interested enough in going.
I'm okay, God is good.

Peace and grace <3

(props to Hosanna Jen for posting one of my poems in her nexoblog without even telling me and making my day, by the way)

First draft, therefore unnamed

So you're sitting here, sitting and crying
and I'll take your indignant silence as prayer, girl .
You're saying you're weak, we both know you're lying
let's talk this out, let's step out of this world.

I'm burned, I'm breaking,
I'm in the wilderness, I'm in the rain,
I'm scared and I'm hurting,
Lost, dying and dirty.
Why are they always so strong?
Why am I always alone?
why do they get to cast out what is wrong?
And why do I get attacked and beg to come home?

Listen, kid
you won't ever get to be the strong one.
You'll always be breaking; and it'll be worth it in the long run.
And I want you here, I want you home too
but your brothers and sisters, I need them to come with you.

So fix me, now
I'm not okay and my world is upside-down
I need to feel okay again.

Holy yourself up, doll, then we'll talk complete healing
but there's things in this world that deserve your grieving

Yeah okay, I get that
but would you mind explaining to me
how everything falls so easily?
How you built this earth and put me here
and now you expect me to hope and look up
and pretend it doesn't hurt to be here?
and how come you, in infinite wisdom-

Slow down, babydoll, let's take this one at a time
first, It's not your job to be strong
it's mine.
I designed you like this, you're fragile
when I put you back together, people will see it and understand
that I am more than mortal man.
Things fall apart easily
because things here are temporary
and the things that will last won't fall
but those things require a lot, you need to give them your all

I get that, I trust you, I'm so sorry Dad
I'll wait out this hurt, put my life in your hands
I'll wait for healing, just please
stay with me

I'll never forget you nor forsake you, kid
But while you're here,
while you're still kneeling with me
all eyes are on you now,
and they don't need to see you being strong.
So when you get up, and leave this place, carry on
with these wounds, which I'll heal into scars
And my children will see them, and will remember me
of the life I promised. No broken hearts.

ENDING UNDER CONSTRUCTION

Not breathing can cause you to die.

I was crying at the Holiness table feeling down this morning. I was crying because I feel weak. I feel like I'm always broken or breaking and some are so much stronger in faith and scripture and coping. And God started telling me to write this stuff down:

So you're sitting here, sitting and crying
maybe even praying.
I didn't chose you because I thought you were good enough.
And you won't ever get to be the strong one.
You'll always be breaking;
It's not your job to be strong
it's mine.
You'll break and die in such a cold life and I designed you like that.
But while you're here,
while you're still kneeling
all eyes are on you now,
and they don't need to see you being strong.
People will follow your-my-lamenting at the mercy seat.
And I
want
them.
Bring them here, teach them to kneel,
bring all of my children to their knees.

Even though you're scared and broken, I'll pick you up
and I'll be forever strong.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not ready, or never will be. That I'll always falling, I'm too little in faith and God's plans are too big, that they should be done by someone stronger.
Forgive me God, sometimes I'm rediculous. I trust you.


"Sovereign Lord," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."
:but the LORD said to me, "Do not say 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the LORD. - Jeremiah 1:6-7

Do you get it yet? It doesn't say "if something happens, I'll come get you"
it says "I AM with you and I WILL rescue you".
Lame stuff is GOING to happen, we WILL break and fall and God will be with us as it happens.
We were meant to break, we were made to cry out in fear and mourning, because God takes those moments to count our precious tears and cry will us and promise we'll be alright, that he knows what to do.
He WILL rescuse you, and you will NEED rescuing.
Truth is, there's no strong ones. We're all weak. If we didn't need God to rescue us, we could do this by ourselves, and nothing gets done right when we do this by ourselves.
I'm not weak because I fall, I am not uneligible to follow the Spirit because I break.

I used to think that strength meant that you understand that God is always with you regardless of how broken you feel and how scared you are.
I think what it really means is breaking and dying so bad that you feel that he's foresaken you and chosing to believe that somehow He exists, and begging Him to love you out of this if he can hear you.
If that is so, I am strong, and your strength is in me.
I do not fear. I trust you.

May grace, peace, strength and revelation be yours.
<3