Gypsy princess?

I just got it. everything comes down to this obsession with punishing myself because I DON'T HAVE Fullness in Christ. It's like i have this vase of self. And at the bottem of this vase was all of my junk. And then one day, I just started pouring Christ in there too, but the two liquids didn't mix. They seperated and the gunk all tried to rise to the top, and I should have tried to scoop it out so that I could pour in more Christ, but instead I just pushed it all to th bottem, so as not to get my hands dirty. And now I can not be full of Christ, because there's the pile of settled junk at the bottem of my soul. And because I can feel this part of me that is not full of Christ, I try to self-medicate by abusing myself, and attempting to destroy my flesh. I think "Well, I'm full to the brim and I still feel lacking. I must be doing this wrong, so I better start doing more." My prophetic name is Fullness in Christ. One of the things prophesied alongside that is that I will be filled to overflowing. I always kind of figured that we can never be full. That if we were full, we would no longer thirst or hunger, but become stagnant. I think instead that if I am to be constantly overflowing, I must be getting constantly filled. Not by my own will, but by my openess to being poured into.
I'm not content with Christ, because I am not full in Him. I have no idea how to understand being content insomething you have only tasted, not truly had. This isn't to say I've never really known my savior. I think that maybe, the amount of fullness that I had for the time and place where I was was okay, but now more is commanded of me. The chunk of my misery at the bottem of my vase was alright while I was still being filled, but is now holding me back from fullness.

Megan Smith just said "so, even when you were a kid, you never dreamed of beaing a princess?" and I said no, I never wanted to be any kind of royalty, because the royalty isn't on the frontlines of the fight. and she said "Oh, so you wanted to be a knight", and I said, no because the knight had to answer to the king. I think I wanted to a be a gypsey. Roving wherever I wanted in my own time, being an acting out rightness by my own terms. Living rightly in the eyes of God and myself.

I need to be content in Christ, so I can stop crucifying myself. But first I need to get the gunk out of my system.