I've got a theory we should work this out

"So, what you are saying is that you are not content being a princess"
Tonight as Peter and I sat on the stairs to the War Room talking, he asked me this question. Somehow or another the convrersation had turned to the ever uncomfortable topic of myself, and my immediate answer was, "yes, of course I am. I'm GOD's DAUGHTER". But those words wouldn't leave my mouth, I couldn't make them, because Peter was right.
In the stories, the princesses never DO much. They flee from evil, they fall in love, get rescued and live happily ever after as barely more than a glorified housewife. That life has never exactly appealed to me. I don't exactly feel lke I'm of much worth unless I am DOING something, I think that the issue that continually comes up in my life is my habit of punishing myself, issuing my own penance. There was this saint named Saint Rose of Lima, who believed suffering brings you closer to God, which is true. She, however, became obsessed with suffering. She wore a crown of roses on her head so as to dig the thorns ino her skull. A lot of the ime, I feel I have a real similar spirt as she. I have this constant urge to DO MORE to put myself trough more than neccesary.
I once had a vision of Jesus and he was asking me to walk, but my feet wouldn't move. Looking down, I saw that my feet were stapled to the ground. Jesus told me that it would be as simple as taking my shoes off and I would be free of the floor, but I told him that that was too easy, and that things of worth come only through struggle. I told JESUS what was best for me, how I could do the most for him.
And so here i am. Sitting in a dark stairway by myself after midnight. Trying to recieve some sort of revelation, trying to understand why I'm discontent being a princess.
I don't know, Jesus. I don't know, I just feel like I should be doing more. Like I should be whipping myself or wering a crown of roses. I know that Jesus already went through that suffering for me, but do I really believe that? Maybe I have such an intense fear of what people think of me that I beat myself up over things so that other people do not have to. I just really don't know anything right now.
I remember cutting myself once, and hearing God say to me "Why are you doing this? I ALREADY went through this so you wouldnt HAVE to." I don't know.
I really don't enjoy talking about myself. At kneedrill, Holly heard from the LORD that He wants me to be soft, that he designed me to be soft, breakable, and that I try to hard to be a hard girl. I don't think its because I'm afraid of being vulnerable, I just think that my issues are matters between me and God, and there are much more important matters in the world to deal with. Okay, when I just typed that sentance, God said "Like what?"and I said, "Like countries being oppressed by their leaders and the women outside the door in front of me being trafficked, for instance" and God said "and the people who oppress my kids probably tell themselves that their issues are just between themselves and God. How would I heal them if they won't let my body near them?"
God may or may not have just compared me to a dictator or a pimp.
Holy crap. I am so unhealed. I mean, I don't think that I have very intense issues or anything like that, but I don't let people near me to let them help. I've got thing stubborn independance that allows me to think that I can work everything out on my own,
I had a vision of my wounds, they were deep underneith my skin, like on the oher side of it, not because the gashes had healed over on top, but because I tried to fix them myself by sewing layers overtop of them, forcing them beneath.
And no, I don't WANT to be vulnerable, I really don't want that at all. I've never really cried much about myself, or pain that I had. I just brush it off.
The kingdom was sown into my heart. It's not something I have to go to India to find, It means healing, right here, right now. Where does it go from here? I dont know. I might stay up longer and ask Jesus what I should do, or I might save it for another night.
This has been a very scattered entry. It was more for myself than for any of you, though, to try and keep my thoughts focused.
Grace and peace be yours in bundance,
caitlyn spence
Fullness in Christ