Big dreams and mustard seeds.

Tonight, I was going through my Incediary Introduction binder with some of my Nanaimo friends. Upon realizing that I've messed up on most of the rules, one of the girls joked:
"So, Caitlyn, have you done anything RIGHT at the War College?"
This happens to be the question I constantly ask myself. Have I done anything right? My self-criticizing ways are quick to chime in a loud "NO", but I'm sure that must be a lie. My immediate combat against that would be to have found things I did right, but I'm not sure that's what this is supposed to be about.
I've spent a lot of my life doing things right, for several different reasons. And I know there's a lot of expectations for me (both from myself and others) to do things right, not to fail.
But human failure is this constant and recurring tool for God to remind us exactly what we are.
We often do big things, dream big things, with the bigness of God in our heads and the love of bigness in our hearts. We seek mass meekness and global conviction. So often, it would seem, we forget that we serve a kingdom described as a mustard seed. We serve smallness, selflessness.
It's like when Elijah proved to all the people that Baal was a false god and showed the sovereignty of YHWH. He performed this huge act, hoping to turn people back from their wicked ways, but the result was an order for his death and he fled. He fled, feeling like a failure and asking God to kill him, this life had been too much and he'd done all he could and failed.
I've done what I can. It doesn't mean that's all that I CAN do, but it doesn't mean it's worthless either.
Eventually, YHWH reminds Elijah who He is not through huge fires, winds or earthquakes, but through the soft small whisper.
SO OFTEN I call on the fire and expect the Lord to repay me with an earthquake. SO OFTEN I feel my efforts have been rejected- but they have not!
I have to start listening to the whisper of God, instead of seeking the huge winds that he's not even really behind. He wasn't in the earthquake, he was in the mustard seed.
He reminds Elijah that there are still some in Israel who have stayed true to him, the same that there are people who are touched by the small, sincere things I do as a servant to the Lord, even when I might not even notice because my flesh is striving for bigger dreams.

So, in summation, the question isn't what I've done right or wrong. The very fact that my flesh has failed has allowed my spirit to wake up to looking for small kingdom things. Truly, only Victory is found in Christ. Just because my message wasn't received with a burning fire doesn't make it a failure, it just gives me the opportunity to find whispers of God in the midst to hyped-up earthquakes.
There's no real failure in Christ. Only the type of worldly failure that humbles flesh and strengthens spirit.
(I do, however, intend on becoming more steadfast in my self-discipline at WC).