O my friend, it's bigger than us both.

I feel achy.
Maybe it's from staying up until 6:30 am with Tyler and getting up at 10:30 to hang out with Molly and Michelle.
Or maybe it's from the feel that I have about 72 hours left with some of the most incredible kids I've ever met in my life, and then I don't see them for 14 months.
It might even be from the strain of watching over the newest member of our house, although I look with anticipation each day to watch my family bless her with a real family love.
Part of it could be attributed to late-night phone calls and conversations keeping Taylor's spirit awake, begging and teaching and speaking into his Spirit.
One could observe that it's from the stress of realizing that I have no idea what my final grade in Writing was, and that I can't fall asleep because of panicking that I failed.
It could be the ache of wanting to leave for Vancouver, to get out there and begin this whole part of my life that I never even imagined could ever happen.
It might be the ware of the feeling that I'll be taken away from the life I thought I'd always have, the group I thought I'd always have a busride away and the friendships God has blessed me with the ability to help build.

A lot of the kids I'm crazy about are in my backyard this second.
And I think I should be, too.

Rock bottom's where we live, and still we dig these trenches

Our God comes and will not be silent.
-Psalm 50:3

Psalm 50:3 has always been one of my absolute favorite verses. It's often the one I should out during worship or as a Gospel Shot. Not for any particular reason, I suppose. I love the proclamation of "Our God", because I like to remember that my Lord is a Lord to many, that my faith is the savior of more than myself. I love that he comes. I love that he is impossible to stop, to shut up.
This weekend I was meditating on it at History Maker (somewhere with 4000 kids screaming praise is a good place to meditate on the loudness of God) and a whole other meaning of the scripture was revealed to me.

Our God came so that the noise we'd muffled would be loud.

Jesus came for a lot of reasons. Mainly because there are a lot of reasons that we needed Him to. While he was here, he just wouldn't stop hanging out with the voiceless, because they needed to be spoken for. Because there's a reason they had no voices, we'd put muffles on them. We heard their cries, their complaint, their mourning, their pain and you put one hand over their mouth while the other was reaching to God in the sanctuary.
So Jesus came and started crying out with the poor, with the unheard. And His voice was not one so easily unheard. He would not be silent.

And out God comes again, in the form of the Holy Spirit, in us. When Jesus came, he went to the poor and made sure they were heard. When the Spirit is in us, chances are it wants to do the same.

The people who are silenced are usually the ones who were screaming the loudest and were shushed. But our God will not be silent.

We are to be a voice crying out in the wilderness, because God is in us, and the shushed places need Him crying out loud.

I don't know if it makes as much sense in here as it does in my head.

Grace.
Caitlyn.

My meditation for the day.

John 14:30-31

I will not speak with you much longer, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold on me, but the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what my Father has commanded me.
Come now; let us leave.

Rest in peace, r-dawg

Today officially marks one year since Ryan Jubenville took his own life.
He was my age.

You are still missed.
You will not be forgotten.

I'm still mad at you.
I love you.

Grace.
(please post prayer, I still have no idea what to think about this one.
It still scares me like crazy to wonder where he is now. )

How would plants grow if there were no light?

then your righteousness will go before you

The idea of righteousness going before us is what I seem to be meditation on recently. especially after prom. Now, maybe I'm just square, but at prom that verse is all that I could think about in relation to my actions. There'd be be times when I'd be dancing with someone to a song full of scum and all of a sudden that verse would be breathed into my head. It'd make me stop and think "Is the way I'm dancing and the music I'm dancing to glorifying God? Can I call this worship? Is this Holy?". And there'd be times I had to sit down and think about it.
Because, thing is, we gave up the right to behave the way we want when we (that's a lot of Ws) recognized our bodies as temples of God, not as our own. Had I been dancing (if that's what you could call it) the same way everyone else in that room had, would I be allowing God's righteousness go ahead of me? Would my light be breaking forth like the dawn? Or would I just look like every other kid in the room, dancing with someone the same way the couple in the corner did before they go to the backseat of their dad's cars.
Maybe that was harsh of me to say, but I think it needs to be said. In a situation like that, full of darkness, it's our JOB to radiate light. To be seen as righteous and holy. Ephesions says "Let no hint of sexual immorality be among you...because these are improper for God's holy people". NO HINT. Therefore, if you believe the scriptures and have the light of the Lord in you, you shouldn't be oozing sexuality the way most kids of this generation love to. You AREN'T those kids, you're God's Holy People.
And ladies, do you really want to look that way? Like an object? Because trust me, at this age, a boy's horomones will see you as nothing but that if you give them reason to. It's not holy love to let him touch you like that, it's selfish using.
And gentlemen, why would you put yourself in that situation? To be able to touch your sister in Christ in an unholy way or to let your horomones take over your actions.
Because I thought the point of Christianity meant fighting against our human instinct. Which is to slap back when someone hits us, to argue fruitlessly, to hate those who wrong us and to let our horomones dictate that way we treat eachother-physically or not.
If you're clothed in Christ, you're setting the example of what holiness looks like. It's not okay for people to see us a part of the world, because the world hates us. In every action we make, God can use us to bring His kingdom, to express his love for others. How is he supposed to act out his love if we're letting the world see us acting in lust?
Let the world see you as PURE not filty with sin like it is! Show it the potential of healing! Of cleansing! How will they be taught Holiness if they see no one acting in it?!

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

You're bigger than this. You know it, I know it. Now start acting it.
Let your righteousness go before you and your light break forth, don't hide it under a basket.
Be made clean, be pure, set an example.

I love you.
Grace.
Caitlyn (which means purity in hebrew)

It's not longer I that liveth.

So here's the thing:
I'm pretty inept in mostly any form of social engagement. I can't really form a sentence around someone that I haven't know for at least 2 years. It's actually taken me 2 years to feel comfortable talking to the majority of my youth group. But the second those people become my friends, I don't forget it easily. The people I openly love and respect now, I will still openly respect and love 20 years from now.
This is, prom is going to be me in a room of about 150 of the kids I've never, ever let in that way. And almost every kid I ever HAVE will be kickin it at a different prom.
And yeah, you know what? I am super bummed by that. But I'll live. The only part of tomorrow I'm looking forward to is taking prom pictures with my youth group and dancing with Jesse.

Wearing my tunic to school on Tuesday was amazing. Like, it kinda changes your demeanor, wearing something like that to a high school. It's not like wearing a cross necklace, or getting a fish tattooed to your forearm, it's definitely a lot more aggressive. I was blessed by it a lot. Just little comments throughout the day. From Nick Paisley asking me the difference between a soldiers uniform and a captains (and then defending me to his friends) to Mr. Poppy telling me stories about his father and grandfather, who were officers in the Army in Scotland and part of the Citadel band. The best part of the day was the last 3 hours of school. We had this huge grad assembly about drinking and driving, and a lady whose daughter had been killed in a car accident on prom night told her story of loss and mourning. Afterwards I thanked her and hugged her. She recognized the tunic and asked me to pray with her and begged me to keep my friends safe on prom night. She was crying while she was hugging me and she apologized for getting tears on my jacket. I said "No, it's okay. I'm fairly sure there's no article of clothing more suitable for tears to fall on."
Pretty much just incredible.
And though it still makes me kind of uncomfortable to be wearing a piece of uniform that displays a title that I do not have (last time I checked, I should definitely have blue epaulets with no stars, not red ones with 2) it was still a blessing to me and the people around me, and gave me several chances to share my faith and the SA's Doctrine with several people.

I'm out. I should probably get a decent amount of sleep before prom.
I love you all.
God's grace be with you.

Caitlyn.

Son, I loved you at your darkest.

So. This week I kinda had a little meltdown. I love investing in people, but the past few weeks, I've spent pouring out so much of my self I barely had anything left. And it feels like I kind of started teaching like I know everything, instead of teaching to learn. This Thursday I got some peace though, at Hosanna. Everything felt really natural and nice with teaching and learning.
I'm not always the teacher. It's humbling and peaceful to remember that. I'm not really ever the teacher, because none of this knowledge is mine.
I have a pretty continuous trend in my faith. And I think I'm gonna put a stop to it. I tend to get really hyper-involved in like, spirituality and warfare and stop and tootally foresake the things that my foundation is built on, that is, love, faith and hope. And I usually need to fall apart to go back and stand on my foundation again. I need to learn balance, and that's what I'm doing now. Because prophesy and tounges can fade, but faith hope and love remain.

As well, my personal worship time has been lacking lately. In the past maybe 2-3 days I've been trying to get myself back on track. My corperate prayer time with everyone never fails to blow me away, though. I love these kids. I love these kids so much.

I wore my tunic on tuesday, and I will definetly post results of that tonight when I get home from work. It was superb though. It's pretty much impossible to skip class while wearing a tunic.

ALSO! I am in need of someone to keep me accountable for:
Actually WRITING my sermon
Reading my Bible more
...and probably something else.

I love you.
Grace, peace.
Caitlyn.

I never say what I mean, never mean what I say.

I'm currantly very unimpressed with myself.

And damn, I'm just so sorry.

I'm wearing my tunic to school tomorrow.

Oh, St. Augustine.

"Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are."

Best friends for eternity.

CrashFace-Carlyepie Morris.

What we have here, this is true bestfriendship.

This is years of loving and laughing and crushes and hairdye.

This is moments when our guts ache and our cheeks hurt.

This is days when we can't stand eachother long enough for a phone call that exceeds 8 minutes

and the days when our phones die from hours of pointless conversation.

This is me moving 3 times in our friendship and my house always being an anchor to you and yours to me.

This is "Remember when!?" and "I can't wait until..."

This is HUNDREDS of concerts and shows, movies and Full Circles.

This is 10 peircings each and 500 hairstyles.

This is favorite bands, making fun of bad music and dancing so hard we can't stand up.

This is dreams that both have come true and may one day.

This is "My best friend and I..." and "this one time, me and Carlye..."

This is 8000 pictures of each other and 1600 of us together.

This is a trip to the Okangon, Vancouver, Victoria, Kamloops, Kelowna and Church together.

This must be four years by now.

I love you so much.

Caitlyn Cater-tots Spence

Doubt becomes the new addiction

I'm noticing a common theme of doubt recently. I'm seeing a lack of trust in people, a lack of trust in God, in love, in friendship and in one and others words. Come on, guys (and self) let's trust in God with all our hearts and lean not on your own understanding. Then we'll be set. Trust me.

Dangerous went really well last Sunday, on it's second run. Mike is a terrific speaker and the worship was great, although not in the stereotypical way. I think the best moments of worship was the moments where complete silence fell over us all. Where Mike was quietly strumming and all of us were too enamored (possibly wrong word) with the Spirit to move, to speak.
Afterwards I headed over to Mike Anderson's place where he and I pretty much just talked until 12:30 am. Guide me, Lord, make me a mentor to the people you want me to teach.

I'm kind of a mess lately, and kind of need a lot of hugs.

I miss Carlye, she's in Toronto.

My goal for the week: look for God in unexpected places/find worship opportunities in secular arenas.
That should probably be my goal for life.

Namsate.
I love you.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodess...

You know what I adore? Mentorship.

I would rather spend my time teaching, investing and helping the development of another person than doing most things. I think about it now in my Writing class; in about an hour and a half I’ll be at Hosanna with the three incredible girls that I spend hours a week teaching and mentoring along with Mary Alexander, whom I am teaching how to run a small Bible Study and helping strengthen her Biblical foundation. (Mary just joined, she bakes. I love it.)

But it’s more than Hosanna. A lot of the youth tell me that they look up to me, and although I’m not sure I’ve ever done anything to earn that (because I’ve just been doing my own thing with God) but I can deal with it. And I’ve absentmindedly started investing in all of them, too. During prayer I’ll single some people out and lead them. Tell someone that they should be praying out loud and help them. Especially what’s been going on with Mike Anderson, helping him be ready for the gift of discernment I knew he was going to receive and now helping him to use it and trust it. Or last night, praying over Carlye. I wouldn’t start until Mike was there because I knew he had words that would matter a lot to her, and I had to help him get through a lot of Mike-junk before all the Amazing Godly smooth talk came out. Or Katelyn with tounges, and how Deanna has an incredibly tough gift of compassion that she needs help dealing with because she hurts so bad because of it. I meet these kids and I fall so amazingly in love with them and all of their potential and I will spend so much of myself teaching them and guiding them. Shepherding them. And it’s amazing what happens when the fruit from that is reaped.

Because let’s face it, last night was incredible. A 15 minute prayer sesh that turns into an hour and 10 minute war cry isn’t something we aren’t used to, but last night was special. Gifts were received and used. Prophecy was spouted and the tears flowing from everyone’s eyes were our major form of worship.

My middle name means "Harvest". I think names are WAY prophetic and that’s my testament to that. Because I will spend the rest of my Christian live sewing seeds and mentoring and helping harvest the fruit of the spirit. When I watch the kids be blessed by the things I’ve taught them, that’s my harvest and my food.

Namaste, grace.

I LOVE YOU.

Caitlyn Theresa.
(Pure one who harvests)

The Christ who walks on wounded feet

I am SSOOOOOOOO sick.
Like, not even kinda sick. Want to DIE sick. My skin feels like it should be ripped off and my nasal passages removed forcefully from my anatomy.
Not that I'm complaining, or anything.

Wild Truth went pretty well tonight, I thought it went well for the first time I ever ran it. I could have done a lot better if I hadn't lost the schedual like, days ago. Carlye will do much better than I did. I went despite my insane cold/flu thing from some other world.

Hosanna tomorrow with the addition of Mary Alexander. Something is going to happen tomorrow, someone is going to pray out loud. The girls have been incredible with reading their Bibles this week, I can tell because almost every day I get a phone call from one of them saying "Hey, you know in (insert book) where it says (insert verse), what are they talking about?" I love them so much.

I'm currantly reading This Means War by Chick Yuill and I think I'm enjoying it quite a bit. It's weird, because I'm certainly enjoying the content. A lot of the things that I've always believed and understood for some reason are being confirmed and there's some really neat insight. However, It's not exactly my kind of writing style. I'm a poetic prose kind of person. But I like how it's broken up into such small sections. Chick (or his editor) must understand how overwhelming he can write.

FAYTENE KRYSKOW IS PREACHING IN NANAIMO! and you better BELIEVE I'm stoked. I haven't seen her preach since I feel in love with her at Consumed '06 in Courtaney. So stoked. I love herrr. Heather Skwarczinski had BETTER be going. April 20-12 at Maranatha, bayybeee. $35.

I finally submitted my War College application today. I want to be there. I want to be an incindiary session member. I want God's will for me more than I want my own, though. His call.

I'm going to bed, I can't believe I stayed up long enough to type this.
I hope I feel better by tomorrow.

Grace, namaste.
And I love You.

Caitlyn.

lovethisbook

This town is so severe. And silent. It makes me crazy, the silence. I wonder if a person can die from it. There's an invisible force that exerts a stedy pressure on our words like a hand to an open, spurting wound. The town office building has a giant filing cabinet full of death certificates that say choked to death on his own anger or suffocated from unexpressed feelings of unhappiness. Silentium. The only thing you hear at night is the semis barrelling down the highway carting drugged animals off to be attacked with knives. Do not make eye contact with those cows. People here just can't wait to die, it seems. It's the main event. The only reason we're not all snuffed at birth is because that would reduce our suffering by a lifetime. My guidance councellor has suggested to me that I change my attitude about this place and learn to love it. But I do, I told her. Oh, that's rich, she said. That's rich.
-Miriam Toews, A Complicated Kindness

A letter for the warriors

Dear War College:

Expect my application by the end of next week.
I love you all like a wildfire of burning...love.
(burning, aka, incindiary. get it?)

Grace, Caitlyn

Hosanna! We cry desperatly for safety!

The Nanaimo Salvation Army Youth have officially launched a non-denominational Sunday night youth service that runs on the 4th Sunday of every month, it's called Dangerous.
This Sunday was our first run, and God took charge. Mike led worship for the first time, and he was terrific. I preached a sermon called Nehemiah; Doing Not-So-Safe Things To Save Those In Danger. My Mennonite soul mate Karen Travers came out, it was superb. Dave Travers commended my speaking, which I took as a real compliment, as he's...well... Mr. Travers.
I found the service itself a little short. In the end, people didn't want to stop worshipping, and the band ran out of songs, pretty swell.
There was this one point, right after the conclusion of my sermon when Josh Reno comes up and asks me for the mic. I obliged, of course, because there's hardly anything I adore more than Josh Reno when he gets touched by the Spirit. And Josh gets up and starts talking about a homeless dude he met named Henry who swept the Thrift Store parking lot just because it was dirty. The Lord had lain him on Josh's heart and Josh got up and proclaimed it and sat back down. I love that. And that's so Salvo, hey? Just to get up and testify when the Lord tells you to. The SA was pretty much founded on prophesy and the testimonies of the saved, and I think that's God's calling over Dangerous. That's sure neat.
Shawn videotaped it like a proud dad at a ballet recital, getting what is probably best described as obnoxiously close to my face with the camera during prayer. He took notes for us to discuss at our next meeting, which I am waiting for Mike to announce. And by waiting, I mean prodding impatiently for a date.

There's probably more I could say. Hosanna is finishing the Quest series this Thursday, then we'll be starting Spiritual Gifts after a few weeks of follow up on Quest and studying what, exactly, Christianity IS. I'm already quite sure of what each of their gifts are, but we'll see. I'd rather not do one of those "Spiritual gifts tests", but we'll see.
Raw is in about 5 days. I'm pretty stoked.

My verse of the week is pretty much the entire book of Nehemiah, chapter 4 in particular. Verse 14 stands out as a favorite as well. Look it up, sissas and brahs.

Grace, peace.
Caitlyn.

When your body wants to run
But your heart knows you're better than that
The blood you spilled on battlefields
I promise you will not go unspent
Neither will I leave you stranded
The promise rings as our battle cry
You're never alone regardless of doubt
But faith comes so easy to some
-The Classic Crime, Warrior Poet (like me!)

An email from Shayna <3

Dear Caitlyn,

First off, we're so in love. I'm so proud of you. You are so strong and it has just been radiating off of you lately. You have shown so much adversity and maturity lately, it puts me to shame!

The first thing you always ask me is "knee news?" and it makes me smile everytime. The fact that even though you may be having a horrible day, your friends come first is nothing but commendable and I'm in total awe of you.

I've had the priviledge of watching you grow over these past 3 years and it's something that I'm so blessed to have witnessed (and I'm not talking about your ever changing hair and clothing!). You have become such a beautiful woman and I'm so proud of who you have become. Thank you for everything that you teach me everyday. Please don't ever doubt yourself, you are truly an amazing human being.

You are the best person I know and I love you so much sometimes it hurts.

<3x8 minutes a day
Your non-biological big sister
Shayna Rochelle Noren

I can't even make words right now

Where do I start?
War College.
I'm still not sure, or if I am I'm unsure about my surity. It was amazing, it was scary, it was confusing, it was intense, it was eye-opening.
It took me being there to realize how sheltered I am. I've never been in any enviroment half that intense. But I was so scared, and so uneasy and so in love with it.
Who knows.

This is where it stands. I could see myself at War College, and I plan on it. I just don't know when or how. Danae has trained me to take over Wild Truth. If I don't run Wild Truth next year, I don't see who will. Apperantly God has a plan or something.
Or so I''ve heard.

I was getting lines for a poem in my head today, but I didn't like them so much when I got them on paper. The only ones that stood out were

"And so I will dream dreams and mutter sacred sounds

And with soundless words and wordless sounds, I'll take hold of their lifeless arms"

In a side note, I miss my bestfriendship with you like mad.
I love you.
Grace.

Shoelaces=love

This is love:

I was bawling on the phone. Very rarely do I allow tears to invade my conversations, but I'm was too much of a mess to worry about holding down floodgates these days.
So I was missing a meeting, missing a dinner and missing my mom and apologizing to Shawn for slamming the door on him this morning over something he was probably right about, and I burst into tears.
I was crying about everything, and things I don't even want to talk about. He and molly were on speakerphone with me and I was weeping my heart out because of things Molly might have half-understood.

And then a while later, Shawn shows up at my door with an "emo care package", full of chocolate (because it's chocolate), shoelaces (because I'm emo), shampoo (because...I'm greasy?) and corn (because I am a vegitarian).

And my head hurts from crying, and I don't feel much better, but I feel loved.
And I'm glad this conversation happened, because I could have never had it by myself:

MOLLY <> says:
after we got off the phone with you
MOLLY <> says:
i was like "she really loves you shawn, you know"
Caitlyn.. it's only a matter of life or death says:
what did he say?
MOLLY <> says:
he asked me why i think that
Caitlyn.. it's only a matter of life or death says:
what did you say?
MOLLY <> says:
i said "i think she thinks of you as the father she's never really had"
Caitlyn.. it's only a matter of life or death says:
then what?
Caitlyn.. it's only a matter of life or death says:
(I could never say these words)
MOLLY <> says:
he got really happy

a coward disguised as a lover.

I'm a crazy mess, but my King loves me like crazy and has a plan.

That's what I've been telling myself for the past day or so, or, rather, reminding myself.
Grade 12 is a mess.
My friendships are a mess.
My sermon is a mess.
Hosanna is a mess. (it's my first bible study, okay?)
My emotions are a mess.
My rediculous love life (or lack of) is a mess.
My God is amazing.

Pray for my mommy, she's going to Edmonton in a few hours for 3 days and I am going to miss her so much.
My house will be a mess.

My acoustic project is coming together swimmingly.

I've been listening to This Providence (www.myspace.com/this providence) like crazy, pretty much the best christian band I've heard in a long time. If you like Paramore and/or Run Kid Run, you'll like them.

next weekend I'm off to The War College for a visit with Nicole. I'm nervous, I'm excited, I want something revealed to me while I'm there, but I won't press God for it, he tells me things when he wants me to know them.

I LOVE YOU.
Peace, grace, namaste.