Learning the language of a story told to farmers.

I am sorry for my slowness to write, but sometimes I open up the window and I stare at the text box and get completly overewhelmed by the size of it. How on earth do I fit my entire jam-packed life into a box barely a third the size of my laptop moniter? I'll start out with the small stuff, because that's usually the most important, anyway, right?
This morning was one of my favorite mornings I've had in a long time. It consisted of waking up early to spend time in a garden in an empty lot with the lovely Olivia Munn, discussing the resurrection. My bare, pale hands enshrouded in dark earth, surrounded by the potential of life blossoming just beneith me. As I established the home of what will eventually (hopefully!) be a cloud of roses and thorns in the middle of our vegitable garden, I contemplated the resurrection of Christ, and the signifigance of His appearance to Mary. I'm not the type to associate myself with an idea just because of what the surface literature provides, therefore I've never believed that Jesus was raised in anything but His original Earthly body. Although the text reads that three or so people didn't recognise Him right off, I don't see any proper proof to believe that Jesus had a new body - as I was taught in my Jehovah's Witness childhood. On this particular morning, however, as my heart was hoping for the beauty of roses to spring up from where I had embedded their beginnings and the weight of the moment when Mary first sees the resurrected Christ absorbed my thoughts. Mary was pretty emotional when she saw Jesus' body was missing, she probably wouldn't have recognised her own reflection. Her Risen Lord speaks to her and she assumes it's the gardener. And she assumes it because it's true. Because Christ IS the gardener. It was in a garden that we were given life. We were exiled from that Garden because cursed death was placed on us. And so it was that in a garden, our Lord was arrested and sent to His own death. And it was from this garden tomb that the new promise of life erupted forth. That morning, a woman was crying about an empty tomb, not realizing that that tomb was full; the walls were salvation. The garden she wept in was the completly redeemed life. The curse given in the first garden was taken away on the cross, and the effects of it were completly destroyed when a man walked from a tomb into another garden. Mary was completly right with her first assumption of who the man standing behind he was. This was the gardener. All things around her were created by him. This new, redeemed life she had stumbled into, this garden, it was His. He had made it and it was beautiful. He had spent the winter waiting for the rebirth of the spring and watched it unfold in the eyes of a young, innocent woman.
In summation, the garden is life. We were created for it, and were escorted out by the hands of death. But just as Death escorted Lord Jesus from Gethsemane to the cross, Jesus carried from his own grave the seed of redeemed life. The original blessings of the original garden and covenant made available to transgressors by way of the Gardener himself.
Behold, the old has passed away and He makes all things new.

The old, tired ground has passed away.
Wake up, O bride. Rise from your tomb and come into the garden.
Your groom awaits, and he has made all things new.

grace.
caitlyn.

Of "The Staff Review" of William Booth regarding the revelation of love in the atonement.

1. We must hold on to the Doctrine of the Atonement because of the marvellous revelation it affords of the love of God to man.

• i. You have the revelation of love that love in the Creation. The provision made for Man's health and happiness.
• ii. You have revelation of that love in Providence. All things work together for our good. Our not understanding why things that appear opposed to our welfare come to us does not disprove this fact.
• iii. You have the revelation of that love in the Bible. Who would ever have dreamed of many of the things we know about God if they had not been there revealed?
• iv. You have the revelation of that love in Grace. Grace is the sign of the infinite compassion, love and beauty of God in the conversion, sanctification, preservation and utilization of His people, and in their final triumph over Death and Hell.

But, in Christ, in His hanging, dying, on the cross we have a manifestation of the heart of love which has made all this possible, and which, in importance, far transcends it all.

Straylight Run

A laundry list of problems doesn't make you interesting,
And never getting help doesn't make you brave.
Not listening to reason doesn't mean that you have faith,
You're just cutting off your nose to spite your face.

So tie the noose and raise the cross,
The martyr has arrived.
A desperate plea for sympathy,
It's all you'll need.

And you want it all
You want it all.

these dark skies remember your ocean eyes

My emotions are like some sort of sickness. Lord, when will I stop being tormented by time worn wounds? When will the hurt cease its dull ache and the healing break forth?
I believe this cycle must break eventually.
I have little hope on nights such as these.
God is good. I will always remember that God is always good.
Will you cover me, will you comfort me?
You alone are my comfort.
You alone are sturdy in my life.
If only there were some place where I could run from you! Some place where I, alone in my misery, might not be overwhelmed by your goodness. Some place where realities divide, and I need not believe truth which I know in the depths of me, but allow that which I see to comfort me.
Yet still I shall praise you, I hope I will know joy again.
You remain good. You remain patient. You remain unchanged.
Do not reject me while I flee from you because of my fear, father.
When I speak of forever why do I never see
You've already captured me.
I remain yours in my flight. I follow you even in my roaming.
You are the one constant in my life.
Be patient with me, O Merciful One.

at night I feel I've been forgotten by the dawn

I find myself awake at night, looking at the long-drawn ribbons of light that travel beneith the reality of my midnight windowsill. I pray to God there is more. The fulfilled life, the one no longer needing to be purpose driven or guilt ridden, seems either unreal or all too resistable. My Lord is Good! I should have no complaint!
He is infinatly good, in fact. There is no fault within Him and He is just in all of His ways and judgments. He has created the stars and stretches our their lengthened residence as a tent for us to live beneith. He is wholly good.
My soul churns within me. Seemingly beckoned by two safe harbours; I am a wave tossed at sea. My savior, I beg you rescue me.
I am full of desire for you.
I will seek you endlessly.
I will not forget you, nor the things you have done for me.
I might sleep some nights, but I am wracked with my contemplatin of your ways.
I yearn to understand that which you have shown me.
Why do I feel I have eyes that see, ears that hear
and a heart that can not understand.
Hosanna. Lord.
caitlyn.

I'm hoping love can hold onto me.

I feel like I have a quiet love for the Lord lately. I continue to have a strong heart for him to show himself to the world and for the growing amount of great friends I make to find fullness in Him. Stronger fire for such things than ever, really, and these fires should hopefully be continuously growing. There are also select saints in Nanaimo that I am also in constant prayer for, and several seem to be growing in great love for the Lord and stepping out in hard faith. Praise YHWH. My love for my saviour lately, however, has been more contemplative than anything, but I don't mind.
I've been thinking about obediant faith, and how vital it is for our souls. My session gets into several heated discussions over the conditions of continuted state of salvation, and the lead me more and more to believe that, without obediant faith, there is no salvation, no abundance of life. Without faith, we can only find death in darkness. With faith, however, we are the light of the world; not only shall we never walk in darkness, death looses it's sting to us, as it is only seen as an oppertunity to find new life.
My current meditative state, however, can not mend me of the morose nature with which I chose to act in previous days, although the Joy of the LORD comes with the morning, and it comes as my strength. A cause of this behavior can be be traced back to the last Biblical Interpretation class, as it ended suddenly and sadly. Those classes were my favorite I've probably ever taken. Or at least they are up with other life-aletering classes like Civ12, CompRel12 and Writing12. There are still some amazing things to be instructed here, though, and classes are continuing until Kettles begin on Dec.1.
Pray for my friends. All of them.
Also for me, if found neccesary.
I love you greatly, but I love the LORD more.

caitlyn.

We, who were called to be your people

Emotionally, I'm currently some sort of controlled chaos.
Recently, I came under the realization that I'm really beautiful. That God designed me to have a natural beauty, and that I was messing with Him when I allowed myself to hear the lie that I'm ugly.
Here's something not good, though: it is getting harder and harder for me to submit to the authority here. I was out with a sessionmate today discussing it and it turned into me crying about how I've never really had a dad. How much I resent authority because my dad never earned my trust, so I could never respect him. I force authority figures to earn my respect and trust, when really I have no right to ask that. Still, though, it gets harder and harder for me to hold my tongue and harder to not just brush people off.
Pray that.
I love you (and probably miss you)
Caitlyn.

Gypsy princess?

I just got it. everything comes down to this obsession with punishing myself because I DON'T HAVE Fullness in Christ. It's like i have this vase of self. And at the bottem of this vase was all of my junk. And then one day, I just started pouring Christ in there too, but the two liquids didn't mix. They seperated and the gunk all tried to rise to the top, and I should have tried to scoop it out so that I could pour in more Christ, but instead I just pushed it all to th bottem, so as not to get my hands dirty. And now I can not be full of Christ, because there's the pile of settled junk at the bottem of my soul. And because I can feel this part of me that is not full of Christ, I try to self-medicate by abusing myself, and attempting to destroy my flesh. I think "Well, I'm full to the brim and I still feel lacking. I must be doing this wrong, so I better start doing more." My prophetic name is Fullness in Christ. One of the things prophesied alongside that is that I will be filled to overflowing. I always kind of figured that we can never be full. That if we were full, we would no longer thirst or hunger, but become stagnant. I think instead that if I am to be constantly overflowing, I must be getting constantly filled. Not by my own will, but by my openess to being poured into.
I'm not content with Christ, because I am not full in Him. I have no idea how to understand being content insomething you have only tasted, not truly had. This isn't to say I've never really known my savior. I think that maybe, the amount of fullness that I had for the time and place where I was was okay, but now more is commanded of me. The chunk of my misery at the bottem of my vase was alright while I was still being filled, but is now holding me back from fullness.

Megan Smith just said "so, even when you were a kid, you never dreamed of beaing a princess?" and I said no, I never wanted to be any kind of royalty, because the royalty isn't on the frontlines of the fight. and she said "Oh, so you wanted to be a knight", and I said, no because the knight had to answer to the king. I think I wanted to a be a gypsey. Roving wherever I wanted in my own time, being an acting out rightness by my own terms. Living rightly in the eyes of God and myself.

I need to be content in Christ, so I can stop crucifying myself. But first I need to get the gunk out of my system.

I've got a theory we should work this out

"So, what you are saying is that you are not content being a princess"
Tonight as Peter and I sat on the stairs to the War Room talking, he asked me this question. Somehow or another the convrersation had turned to the ever uncomfortable topic of myself, and my immediate answer was, "yes, of course I am. I'm GOD's DAUGHTER". But those words wouldn't leave my mouth, I couldn't make them, because Peter was right.
In the stories, the princesses never DO much. They flee from evil, they fall in love, get rescued and live happily ever after as barely more than a glorified housewife. That life has never exactly appealed to me. I don't exactly feel lke I'm of much worth unless I am DOING something, I think that the issue that continually comes up in my life is my habit of punishing myself, issuing my own penance. There was this saint named Saint Rose of Lima, who believed suffering brings you closer to God, which is true. She, however, became obsessed with suffering. She wore a crown of roses on her head so as to dig the thorns ino her skull. A lot of the ime, I feel I have a real similar spirt as she. I have this constant urge to DO MORE to put myself trough more than neccesary.
I once had a vision of Jesus and he was asking me to walk, but my feet wouldn't move. Looking down, I saw that my feet were stapled to the ground. Jesus told me that it would be as simple as taking my shoes off and I would be free of the floor, but I told him that that was too easy, and that things of worth come only through struggle. I told JESUS what was best for me, how I could do the most for him.
And so here i am. Sitting in a dark stairway by myself after midnight. Trying to recieve some sort of revelation, trying to understand why I'm discontent being a princess.
I don't know, Jesus. I don't know, I just feel like I should be doing more. Like I should be whipping myself or wering a crown of roses. I know that Jesus already went through that suffering for me, but do I really believe that? Maybe I have such an intense fear of what people think of me that I beat myself up over things so that other people do not have to. I just really don't know anything right now.
I remember cutting myself once, and hearing God say to me "Why are you doing this? I ALREADY went through this so you wouldnt HAVE to." I don't know.
I really don't enjoy talking about myself. At kneedrill, Holly heard from the LORD that He wants me to be soft, that he designed me to be soft, breakable, and that I try to hard to be a hard girl. I don't think its because I'm afraid of being vulnerable, I just think that my issues are matters between me and God, and there are much more important matters in the world to deal with. Okay, when I just typed that sentance, God said "Like what?"and I said, "Like countries being oppressed by their leaders and the women outside the door in front of me being trafficked, for instance" and God said "and the people who oppress my kids probably tell themselves that their issues are just between themselves and God. How would I heal them if they won't let my body near them?"
God may or may not have just compared me to a dictator or a pimp.
Holy crap. I am so unhealed. I mean, I don't think that I have very intense issues or anything like that, but I don't let people near me to let them help. I've got thing stubborn independance that allows me to think that I can work everything out on my own,
I had a vision of my wounds, they were deep underneith my skin, like on the oher side of it, not because the gashes had healed over on top, but because I tried to fix them myself by sewing layers overtop of them, forcing them beneath.
And no, I don't WANT to be vulnerable, I really don't want that at all. I've never really cried much about myself, or pain that I had. I just brush it off.
The kingdom was sown into my heart. It's not something I have to go to India to find, It means healing, right here, right now. Where does it go from here? I dont know. I might stay up longer and ask Jesus what I should do, or I might save it for another night.
This has been a very scattered entry. It was more for myself than for any of you, though, to try and keep my thoughts focused.
Grace and peace be yours in bundance,
caitlyn spence
Fullness in Christ

I like where we are - here

Caitlyn Spence
c/o The Salvation Army War College
PO Box 88088, Chinatown PO
Vancouver, BC
V6A 4A4

Come home on the weekend forever.

Youth Councils was something, though if I could go back, I know the things I'd do differently and the things I would or wouldn't say. Those things aside, however, God was there and spoke and that's what matters.
We recently had an assignment to draw what God said our shield of faith looked like. And though mine is kind of hard to explain, the main message is clear: if we feed into the fruit of the spirit, no arrow of satan can touch us. Because I allow my fruit to rot, more lies can make their way into me. The fruit of the Spirit should flourish within us, covering us with a bush of blooms and blossoms, extinguishing the fiery arrows of the evil one and sending fourth the sweet aroma that should draw others to the orchard of the living God. And the fruit are all one, right? You can't have all but one.
Truly, the reason I have so many lies in my life is because I so often chose misery instead of joy. Misery is comfortable and easy, it makes easy living and asks for no true sacrifice or attempt on my part. And, like Joy, misery is a mindset, a world view, a decision. Just like joy, you have to chose misery. You have to put it over your eyes in the morning and bind it around your neck while you sleep. You have to chose to respond to situations bleakly.
Except that it's not just choosing optimism or pessimism, it's choosing life or death. I choose death when I choose misery over joy, when I chose disobedience instead of discipline, when I let conflict reside in my heart instead of peace. And because of these decisions, my fruit rots. I lose my hedge of protection. I have less and less defense against inflamed arrows and more and more lies and attack to contend against.
Today, I chose joy. Today I chose life. I write it on the tablet of my heart and allow it to break forth from me like the dawn.
Today I concern myself with all thing true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy. These things only.
Amen.
caitlyn.
(P.S. pray about my spring break)
(P.P.S I'm in love with my sessionmates)

dust off the brush off.

I've been noticing recently that there is a real spirit of rebellion on me that needs to be broken. I definitely am seeing a tendency to refuse submission to authority, and being reluctant to view most people with power over me as actual authority figures. My mom said the other day that I made such good friends with teachers and such because I refused to see them as anything more than people; regardless of their stature or age. On paper, that probably sounds great, but in real life, it's probably the reason I never felt it important enough to go to class, go anywhere on time or abide by any set rule. I've gotten away with everything so far in my life (I've never really had anything worse than minor detentions) but it's starting to impose a real problem here at the War College. There seem to be very few rules I haven't broken (not always intentional) and very few requirements I've kept up regularly. One my great friends, a member of WC Alumni, also had to deal with some rebellion and was put on probation for it.
The point is: I chose to be here, I need to start living up to it. I need to care about getting put on probation. It's not okay for me to continue pushing rules to see how far I can get away with them. People keep doing their best to keep me accountable, but I keep brushing them off.
That's how I am. I'm not openly resistant, but I brush people, things and obligations off. I truly don't care about many things, but I need to start.

I wrote this recently about a particular rule that I was constantly choosing to ignore for the past few weeks. I'm still struggling with it, also, so if anyone wants to pray, they should give'r.
It's still REALLY rough. 1st draft.

On the page 6 citation
of the rules and regulations
you might notice the 1.5 inch space for interpretation.
And if you feel you are entitled
to a special class of manipulation
feel free to alter and amend
for your personal situation.

Leave yourselves not unlearned, however,
that this kind of understanding comes to us
in seasons of awful weather.
So if you feel, for some reason, it's worth it
to forget the rules you swore to remember
you'd best by new blankets
and probably some type of sweater.

Big dreams and mustard seeds.

Tonight, I was going through my Incediary Introduction binder with some of my Nanaimo friends. Upon realizing that I've messed up on most of the rules, one of the girls joked:
"So, Caitlyn, have you done anything RIGHT at the War College?"
This happens to be the question I constantly ask myself. Have I done anything right? My self-criticizing ways are quick to chime in a loud "NO", but I'm sure that must be a lie. My immediate combat against that would be to have found things I did right, but I'm not sure that's what this is supposed to be about.
I've spent a lot of my life doing things right, for several different reasons. And I know there's a lot of expectations for me (both from myself and others) to do things right, not to fail.
But human failure is this constant and recurring tool for God to remind us exactly what we are.
We often do big things, dream big things, with the bigness of God in our heads and the love of bigness in our hearts. We seek mass meekness and global conviction. So often, it would seem, we forget that we serve a kingdom described as a mustard seed. We serve smallness, selflessness.
It's like when Elijah proved to all the people that Baal was a false god and showed the sovereignty of YHWH. He performed this huge act, hoping to turn people back from their wicked ways, but the result was an order for his death and he fled. He fled, feeling like a failure and asking God to kill him, this life had been too much and he'd done all he could and failed.
I've done what I can. It doesn't mean that's all that I CAN do, but it doesn't mean it's worthless either.
Eventually, YHWH reminds Elijah who He is not through huge fires, winds or earthquakes, but through the soft small whisper.
SO OFTEN I call on the fire and expect the Lord to repay me with an earthquake. SO OFTEN I feel my efforts have been rejected- but they have not!
I have to start listening to the whisper of God, instead of seeking the huge winds that he's not even really behind. He wasn't in the earthquake, he was in the mustard seed.
He reminds Elijah that there are still some in Israel who have stayed true to him, the same that there are people who are touched by the small, sincere things I do as a servant to the Lord, even when I might not even notice because my flesh is striving for bigger dreams.

So, in summation, the question isn't what I've done right or wrong. The very fact that my flesh has failed has allowed my spirit to wake up to looking for small kingdom things. Truly, only Victory is found in Christ. Just because my message wasn't received with a burning fire doesn't make it a failure, it just gives me the opportunity to find whispers of God in the midst to hyped-up earthquakes.
There's no real failure in Christ. Only the type of worldly failure that humbles flesh and strengthens spirit.
(I do, however, intend on becoming more steadfast in my self-discipline at WC).

Tie a yellow ribbon

Coming home is always nice. Leaving home is always weird.
I think I'm in a really weird place right now, where Vancouver and Nanaimo are both my homes. As I type this, I'm sitting in my living room in Nanaimo with two of my sessionmates and my roomate and some of my closest friends. I've just finished showing them pictures of my sessionmates, my new roomate and my new close friends.
This is weird.
Here is a great thing: my mom is amazing.

I probably have more important things to say, but now I want to hang out with my family+friends.
LOVE.
caitlyn

Oh dear. This could get awkward.

Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
CAITLYN
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
MAKE ME STOP FALLING IN LOVE WITH MY BEST FRIEND
Caitlyn.. it is in dying that we are born to eternal life says:
Molly
Caitlyn.. it is in dying that we are born to eternal life says:
It'll never work between us
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Molly... When sundown pales the sky, I want to hide away behind your smile. says:
Sorry Caitlyn,
you're not my type.
Caitlyn.. it is in dying that we are born to eternal life says:
wait, no
Caitlyn.. it is in dying that we are born to eternal life says:
I'M doing the turning down here

"when I call NANAIMO, ya'll holla back"

I randomly found this video of RAW that me and Carlye made FOREVER ago and it made me smile.
I love these kids. I'll miss them like crazy.

Memoirs of a Jehovah's Witness kid.

So, last night, Molly, Katelyn and I were laughing over stories form our separate childhoods. Molly and Kate's mostly consisted of surgeries and gymnastics classes - neither of which I've ever been a part of. My stories were all about my quest to convert my entire elementary class to Jehovah's Witness(ism?) through kindergarden to grade 7.
When I was in 2nd or 3rd grade, we had a show-and-tell day in which we showed the present that Santa gave to us and told everyone how awesome it was. I, being a JW, had obviously not recieved any presents, and was getting tired of hearing about everyone's pagan gift stories. So,when my turn on the stool at the front of the class came around, I sat down and said these immortal words:
"Santa is not real. It's only your parents. Neither is the tooth fairy."
The class quickly turned into a heated debate and I was kindly asked to stand in the hallway until sharing time was over.
But that didn't end my Show-and-tell evangelism. When I was in 5th grade, I brought a piece of JW literature about Jesus called "The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived". I then opened the book to a picture of John the Baptist's head on a silver platter and told this story:
"This is Jesus' cousin John. He got his head cut off because a girl danced at a birthday party and then the king gave her John's head as a present even though he was best friends with Jesus. That's why you shouldn't celebrate birthdays."

Also, in grade 4,when all the girls had Spice Girl-inspired platform shoes and I didn't, I told my classmates that "I have a pair, but they are made of mirrors and they are illegal, because a girl in Mexico was wearing the same ones and a person got blinded from the sun shining off of them. So if I wore them, I could goto jail."
That story is not about evangelizing my class, but it was the most ridiculous thing I think a 10 year old could say.

I want the whole world to see we've met.

So let me set the scene:
The Winners Fitting Room; a drab florescent-lit gray and blue area littered with clothes and impatient senior women. This happens to be where I work for 6-8 hours a day, being yelled at by strangers and pounding my feet endlessly on the gray tile flooring. On a recent occasion, a young woman with a big gray bag, aged around 14, and her friends wandered in to try on some pajamas and underwear. As she walked into the maze of blue cubicles with the number card I had issued her, God said to me "tell her about me". I was a little off-guard, I mean, what was I to expect when she walked back out? Should I form a Mercy Seat our of hanger bars or pass her the copy of Salvationist in my bag and let her walk away? Then it hit me, she was trying on underwear. I'm fairly sure that the presence of modern underwear in our society is the most perfect ministry tool possible. As she walked out, I took the discard items from her and the conversation went as follows:
Caitlyn: "You want to know a trick with trying on underwear?"
Girl: "Yeah, sure" (obviously slightly weirded out)
Caitlyn: "If you take a piece of underwear and wrap it around your neck by the waste band and it fits perfectly, the ends meeting on the nape of your neck, it'll fit you."
Girl: "no way, really?" (she takes a few pieces of underwear she's buying and follows my instruction" "hey, wow, that actually works"
Caitlyn: "Yeah, it's neat, because when God designed us, he proportioned us perfectly, you know? The circumference of your neck is always the diametre of your waist, your arm's length together is always your hight. There's no flukes in the way humans were designed"

So she smiled and nodded uncomfortably as she walked to the front of the store with her friends. As I was sorting through her discarded items, I thought about what had just happened. She hadn't fallen on her face and been convicted of her sins, but maybe God had planted a seed in her, and God had TOLD me to say those things, so I believe that without a doubt it was for a reason. I'll probably never see her again, but I know that God's got plans for her and I hope he sends her people to water her seed. When I finished sorting, I realized that some of the things from her pile had gone missing, some tops from some sets of pajamas. I sighed as I picked up the phone and called Customer Service, reporting that a small group of 14ish year old girls with large bags might have stolen some pieces. I don't know what happened next, my job is only to report the missing clothes. I really hope she felt convicted and dropped them somewhere in the store before she left, but I don't know, it never got back to me.
Anyway, I thought that was interesting, and I hadn't posted anything of real substance in a while I guess.

My scripture for meditation recently is:
For I take no pleasure in the death of anyone, declares the Sovereign LORD. Repent and live!
-Ezekiel 18:32

Grace, peace, I love you all.
Caitlyn. <3

Take a sad song and make it better

Overall, I'm just really glad. I'm happy, and I'm joyous and I'm really, really glad. It's been a hard summer, but it was necessary. I'm breathing a lot easier now. I've been going to the beach more often at night to have some time with Jesus, been constantly hungry for the Word. I realized one day last week what passion means; and that I'm in this fight for a reason. And if I'm going to talk about life to the full, I better start living that way.
I could use a lot of words to explain how I feel and why, but it's no use.

you being in love... (XII) by E. E. Cummings

you being in love
will tell who softly asks in love,

am i separated from your body smile brain hands merely
to become the jumping puppets of a dream? oh i mean:
entirely having in my careful how
careful arms created this at length
inexcusable, this inexplicable pleasure-you go from several
persons: believe me that strangers arrive
when i have kissed you into a memory
slowly, oh seriously
-that since and if you disappear

solemnly
myselves
ask "life, the question how do i drink dream smile

and how do i prefer this face to another and
why do i weep eat sleep-what does the whole intend"
they wonder. oh and they cry "to be, being, that i am alive
this absurd fraction in its lowest terms
with everything cancelled
but shadows
-what does it all come down to? love? Love
if you like and i like,for the reason that i
hate people and lean out of this window is love,love
and the reason that i laugh and breathe is oh love and the reason
that i do not fall into this street is love."

The end will justify the pain it took to get us there

So I recently saw the film Hairspray. For anyone who doesn't know my movie taste, I typically dislike anything made after the year 1961. But Hairspray really took me by surprise, and though I've never seen it's original, I really enjoyed it. It is based in 1964 and pretty much depicts the transition between 1950s moral code and 1960s free love. There's a particular scene in which a black inhabitants of Baltimore go on a march in response to the recent news that there will no longer be black actors on local tv. There's a song during that part that I think reminded me of why I believe what I do.

There's a road we must travel
There's a promise we must make
'Cause the riches will be plenty
Worth the risk and chances that we take
There's a dream in the future
There's a struggle we have yet to win
'Cause just to sit still would be a sin

I think that's a pretty good summation of the point of Christianity.
I think I'm getting reminded of a lot lately.
And I think that I should be reading my Bible a lot more often. I haven't done it very much since the beginning of Summer and that's dumb.

Rejoice in all things, for the day of the LORD is near

Worship the LORD your God, and his blessing will be on your food and water. I will take away sickness from among you,
Exodus 23:25

He called his twelve disciples to him and gave them authority to drive out evil spirits and to heal every disease and sickness.
Matthew 10:1

Father we're asking for cleansing at Camp Sunrise.
Eloi, we ask for blood ans fire and billows of smoke, we claim healing and we declare holiness of the children and the staff. You built Camp Sunrise as a place for us to come to meet with you, Yahweh, so we're declaring that it be used by no one else and for no other purpose. Lord we proclain in the name of Jesus Christ that that land is to be Holy and that nothing that is not sent by you can touch it's ground. Death has no place in those children.
Gracious Healer, we thank you so much for the people there that you have already begun healing and for the people you will heal. We know that you have authority over illness and we claim that over Camp Sunrise right now. We ask for legions of angels. We ask for an invisible army to walk the Camp alongside the visible one, the staff. Raise up the staff as warriors, and let them fight with the blood and fire and may you be glorified. Make them strong and healthy, remind them to keep their eyes on you and be joyful in you.


In Jesus' name, Amen.

I don't need to know right now, I know I believe

Lately I'm alright, lately I'm not scared.
-Suspension, Mae

I'm learning dependency. My tattoo is neat. I see Lisa in a few days.
Two more days until my 18th birthday.
4 more weeks until I give my two weeks at Winners.
7 more weeks until I'm in Vancouver.

Current album of choice: Abbey Road - The Beatles

Promoted to Glory.

So, here is something hard.
An incredible woman that our church was blessed to have amongst us, Colonel Iris, died in her sleep last night - was Promoted to Glory.
I think this takes me more by surprise than anything, she was so fine last Sunday.
She had incredible faith in the youth and elders of our church alike, and served the LORD with grace and a smiling heart.
She was a mentor to many of the girls in our church and a beautiful soul.


I don't know what else to say. I think she was absolutely incredible and I regret never telling her.
But we'll meet again, I'll be sure to tell her then.

In Christ,
caitlyn.

Remember when I JUST said how much I miss Mike?

Caitlyn.. if it's once, I've got it; if it's twice, I don't says:
I love you guys
#27..betta recognize says:
and i love you
#27..betta recognize says:
i miss you meng
Caitlyn.. if it's once, I've got it; if it's twice, I don't says:
I miss you too, Mike

Wow my God is faithful, and wow does He ever listen.
I type a blog about missing Michael, pray for the vbs team at 614 and he comes online as soon as I'm done.
Pray for that vbs team, by the way. I don't think they'll be continuing the station at 614, seeing as how over half the team just watched a guy fall from a fifth floor window at The Empress about two hours ago.
They're pretty shook up.

Honest words are typically written near midnight

Life is funny and time is frustrating.
I find it inconvenient that I can't make life or time stop at my will. There's a lot of me coming to the surface recently, and it's becoming a lot to deal with. I'm actually feeling pretty overwhelmed. It seems unfair that when I wake up tomorrow, life will be happening and I will be wasting it working out the tangles in my now-emerging troubled soul.

I want my community back. Blasted summer camp jobs that take them off of the island! I'd give anything right now for a Tyler Paquette Power Hug right now, or for Michelle Latour's jackhammer laugh and listening skills, let alone what I would do for a phone call with Michael Anderson as he plays video games and quotes Mitch Hedburg. Jen Schaper is coming home tomorrow, thank God. Taylor Craig is also coming from Victoria sometime this week hopefully, I kinda of burst into tears on the phone with him because I miss him so much.

I feel lonely and downtrodden and I love God.
I've been reading Jeremiah and Lamentations fairly consistently these past days.
I think I'm starting to learn what I'm supposed to.

Namaste, grace
and I love you so much.
caitlyn.

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord.
"They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future
and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will be found by you,"
says the Lord. "I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will
gather you out of the nations where I sent you and bring you
home again to your own land."
-Jeremiah 29:11-13

To sink for your sins, lest grace be the wind.

Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
-Psalm 43:5

My heart feels heavy, and my spirit is at disrest within me. My thoughts have been full of sorrow and second-guessing the Spirit. And I understand that it needs to be worked through and not ignored, but I'm losing patience and maybe even passion. And I know I'm okay, that this isn't the first time I've felt this way nor will it be the last. That the point of conviction and this kind of brokenness means I become someone better. The question is whether or not I'm prepared to do what I'm supposed to. The LORD told Joshua to consecrate himself, for He was going to do amazing things with him. I could definitely use some cleansing if I'm going to allow Elohim to do anything with me.
This is where the honesty that I'm afraid of kicks in.
Because the truth is, I'm an addict to my sin. That I get so high off my pride and my reputation that I stop caring who I'm hurting or what I could be doing with myself. That my pride grows like weeds inside me and corrupts my mind, causes me to spend hours trying to do nothing but impress someone. And my stubborn independence refuses to let me be vulnerable, which leaves me lacking community or any true reliance on God.
AND NOW YOU KNOW.
Because I know people read this blog, people I look up to and I would love to look faultless before, or constantly wise I would love it if you all liked me but I think I need to stop hating myself for the possibility that all of you might not.
But this must be some sort of step, some sort of starting point.
I've felt sick with sin for weeks, and dealing with it on my own this time is running me down.

And if you really wanted to know a secret, I've been cutting myself for five years, maybe four. And I don't want anyone to know at all, because I'm tired of having to comfort the people it effects, and I know that's selfish and prideful and all the things I'm working on, I realize that.
And now I'm scared, because I realize that sort of jeopardizes next year.

Wash me of my sin and cleanse me of my inequity, O Yeshua.
I want to feel healed and clean and right again. To look to the mountains and wonder where my help comes from.
But this is only a starting point.

Namaste, I absolutely love you all.
Be blessed. Grace.
caitlyn.

(post-script: Currently listening to Empire by As Cities Burn

i was a middle son
between two wayward ones
i was more deserving of my parent's love

i had an angel's smile
hiding a vulture's bite
i had no use for your redeeming blood

aren't i glory, glorious

glory, glorious
aren't we glory, glorious
aren't we worthy, worthy of hearts at our feet

i was a pharisee
i never saw my need for grace
then your love came to me
stood next to mine and i saw that i was poor

show me i was poor
show us we are
show us we are

glory, glorious
we are glory, glorious
not from what good we have done
but from being the least

glory, glorious
oh, i dont know how i was made

my heaven tower sways atop their fleeting praise
God, i dont know how i was made

glory, glorious
are we glory, glorious?
are we worthy, worthy of hearts at our feet?
glory, glorious
we are glory, glorious
not from what we've done
but being the least

i was a wicked one)

Somebody spoke and i went into a dream

Currently listening to A Day In The Life by The Beatles

As a general rundown, it wasn't what I expected but what I asked for; a common theme in my life at the moment. I went asking for the Holy Spirit, and with that comes the Lord's conviction. I got convicted of some awfully odd things this week and some pretty huge things.
And I think I'm different now, or at least a heck of a lot more conscious of who I'm supposed to be.
At one point, mid-week, I was just so full of sorrow from conviction and from fear and feeling broken. Because, to be completely honest, I'm really kinda pretty scared about next year. Not as much now as I was then, because I've been given a lot of peace about it, but I was pretty freaked for a while about it. Walked out on campfire for pretty much a 3 hour yelling sesh with God. It seemed like if He expects something so big from me next year and something I'm so obviously frightened by, I should be receiving a lot more comfort, more strength than I have been. There were truly glimpses of thoughts for seconds that wondered if I'd ever really known God, but I was in my senses enough to cast those off quickly.
I'm really not sure where I am now, but I think from here on out it doesn't matter so much if I have a word to define my faith.
But it wasn't all sorrow. That's half-true, all of the joy was connected to sorrow in one way or another. I remember at one point God calling me to my knees, and Him saying "See? This is where you're supposed to be". I think my life has been far too much about holding myself on my own two feet for far too long. I don't need to prove anything to anyone by pulling myself up, I need to be content on my knees; it's easier to lose balance when you're farther from the ground anyway.

The first worship session, the first chord of the first song hit me hard. There was a lot of pleading for God to call all of those kids home, a lot of hurting in my heart and spirit. I couldn't even be in the chapel. I had to walk outside and sit on the ground and felt like Rachael weeping.
I wrote a poem while in that frame of mind:

Is your excuse that you can not see, nor hear, nor feel?
And are you so numb to not be warmed by the Sun that rises for you
or the stars that attempt to guide you; set a course to guide you home.
And still your cry in the night
resounds: screaming
WHERE ARE YOU
and echoes into the reaching sky.

Things that mark me as worth mentioning:

• Deck parties with Carlye
• Colouring in the Pirate Colouring book.
• The sweet beetle I found at 2 am outside the Chapel.
• The frightening experience of getting a "firm talking to" from a pregnant woman in a sundress.
• The fact that I preach at my church, run a youth service, preach at another youth service, lead a children's program, started a cell group and mentorship program and I wasn't allowed to leave my cabin after 12 (not that it stopped me).
  
• "apperantly all of the Caitlyn/Katelyns at camp have issues with authority"-Shirley Perry
  
• Being anointed with oils by someone that I love as much as Lisa
• The oil stains in half my stuff because of an anointing-happy Lisa
• how grateful I am for Lisa.
  
• Xander Coleman's obnoxious laugh.
  
• Seeing Andy Mac for probably the last time ever.
• Long conversations with Aaron and Johnathan that didn't so much comfort me, but assure me that I'm allowed to be scared.
  
• Praying over Chantelle
• Watching the girls from Hosanna disciple their own youth.
  

I probably have much more to say, but I'm done with computers.

I love you, namaste
Caitlyn Spence.

O my friend, it's bigger than us both.

I feel achy.
Maybe it's from staying up until 6:30 am with Tyler and getting up at 10:30 to hang out with Molly and Michelle.
Or maybe it's from the feel that I have about 72 hours left with some of the most incredible kids I've ever met in my life, and then I don't see them for 14 months.
It might even be from the strain of watching over the newest member of our house, although I look with anticipation each day to watch my family bless her with a real family love.
Part of it could be attributed to late-night phone calls and conversations keeping Taylor's spirit awake, begging and teaching and speaking into his Spirit.
One could observe that it's from the stress of realizing that I have no idea what my final grade in Writing was, and that I can't fall asleep because of panicking that I failed.
It could be the ache of wanting to leave for Vancouver, to get out there and begin this whole part of my life that I never even imagined could ever happen.
It might be the ware of the feeling that I'll be taken away from the life I thought I'd always have, the group I thought I'd always have a busride away and the friendships God has blessed me with the ability to help build.

A lot of the kids I'm crazy about are in my backyard this second.
And I think I should be, too.

Rock bottom's where we live, and still we dig these trenches

Our God comes and will not be silent.
-Psalm 50:3

Psalm 50:3 has always been one of my absolute favorite verses. It's often the one I should out during worship or as a Gospel Shot. Not for any particular reason, I suppose. I love the proclamation of "Our God", because I like to remember that my Lord is a Lord to many, that my faith is the savior of more than myself. I love that he comes. I love that he is impossible to stop, to shut up.
This weekend I was meditating on it at History Maker (somewhere with 4000 kids screaming praise is a good place to meditate on the loudness of God) and a whole other meaning of the scripture was revealed to me.

Our God came so that the noise we'd muffled would be loud.

Jesus came for a lot of reasons. Mainly because there are a lot of reasons that we needed Him to. While he was here, he just wouldn't stop hanging out with the voiceless, because they needed to be spoken for. Because there's a reason they had no voices, we'd put muffles on them. We heard their cries, their complaint, their mourning, their pain and you put one hand over their mouth while the other was reaching to God in the sanctuary.
So Jesus came and started crying out with the poor, with the unheard. And His voice was not one so easily unheard. He would not be silent.

And out God comes again, in the form of the Holy Spirit, in us. When Jesus came, he went to the poor and made sure they were heard. When the Spirit is in us, chances are it wants to do the same.

The people who are silenced are usually the ones who were screaming the loudest and were shushed. But our God will not be silent.

We are to be a voice crying out in the wilderness, because God is in us, and the shushed places need Him crying out loud.

I don't know if it makes as much sense in here as it does in my head.

Grace.
Caitlyn.

My meditation for the day.

John 14:30-31

I will not speak with you much longer, for the prince of this world is coming. He has no hold on me, but the world must learn that I love the Father and that I do exactly what my Father has commanded me.
Come now; let us leave.

Rest in peace, r-dawg

Today officially marks one year since Ryan Jubenville took his own life.
He was my age.

You are still missed.
You will not be forgotten.

I'm still mad at you.
I love you.

Grace.
(please post prayer, I still have no idea what to think about this one.
It still scares me like crazy to wonder where he is now. )

How would plants grow if there were no light?

then your righteousness will go before you

The idea of righteousness going before us is what I seem to be meditation on recently. especially after prom. Now, maybe I'm just square, but at prom that verse is all that I could think about in relation to my actions. There'd be be times when I'd be dancing with someone to a song full of scum and all of a sudden that verse would be breathed into my head. It'd make me stop and think "Is the way I'm dancing and the music I'm dancing to glorifying God? Can I call this worship? Is this Holy?". And there'd be times I had to sit down and think about it.
Because, thing is, we gave up the right to behave the way we want when we (that's a lot of Ws) recognized our bodies as temples of God, not as our own. Had I been dancing (if that's what you could call it) the same way everyone else in that room had, would I be allowing God's righteousness go ahead of me? Would my light be breaking forth like the dawn? Or would I just look like every other kid in the room, dancing with someone the same way the couple in the corner did before they go to the backseat of their dad's cars.
Maybe that was harsh of me to say, but I think it needs to be said. In a situation like that, full of darkness, it's our JOB to radiate light. To be seen as righteous and holy. Ephesions says "Let no hint of sexual immorality be among you...because these are improper for God's holy people". NO HINT. Therefore, if you believe the scriptures and have the light of the Lord in you, you shouldn't be oozing sexuality the way most kids of this generation love to. You AREN'T those kids, you're God's Holy People.
And ladies, do you really want to look that way? Like an object? Because trust me, at this age, a boy's horomones will see you as nothing but that if you give them reason to. It's not holy love to let him touch you like that, it's selfish using.
And gentlemen, why would you put yourself in that situation? To be able to touch your sister in Christ in an unholy way or to let your horomones take over your actions.
Because I thought the point of Christianity meant fighting against our human instinct. Which is to slap back when someone hits us, to argue fruitlessly, to hate those who wrong us and to let our horomones dictate that way we treat eachother-physically or not.
If you're clothed in Christ, you're setting the example of what holiness looks like. It's not okay for people to see us a part of the world, because the world hates us. In every action we make, God can use us to bring His kingdom, to express his love for others. How is he supposed to act out his love if we're letting the world see us acting in lust?
Let the world see you as PURE not filty with sin like it is! Show it the potential of healing! Of cleansing! How will they be taught Holiness if they see no one acting in it?!

Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.

You're bigger than this. You know it, I know it. Now start acting it.
Let your righteousness go before you and your light break forth, don't hide it under a basket.
Be made clean, be pure, set an example.

I love you.
Grace.
Caitlyn (which means purity in hebrew)

It's not longer I that liveth.

So here's the thing:
I'm pretty inept in mostly any form of social engagement. I can't really form a sentence around someone that I haven't know for at least 2 years. It's actually taken me 2 years to feel comfortable talking to the majority of my youth group. But the second those people become my friends, I don't forget it easily. The people I openly love and respect now, I will still openly respect and love 20 years from now.
This is, prom is going to be me in a room of about 150 of the kids I've never, ever let in that way. And almost every kid I ever HAVE will be kickin it at a different prom.
And yeah, you know what? I am super bummed by that. But I'll live. The only part of tomorrow I'm looking forward to is taking prom pictures with my youth group and dancing with Jesse.

Wearing my tunic to school on Tuesday was amazing. Like, it kinda changes your demeanor, wearing something like that to a high school. It's not like wearing a cross necklace, or getting a fish tattooed to your forearm, it's definitely a lot more aggressive. I was blessed by it a lot. Just little comments throughout the day. From Nick Paisley asking me the difference between a soldiers uniform and a captains (and then defending me to his friends) to Mr. Poppy telling me stories about his father and grandfather, who were officers in the Army in Scotland and part of the Citadel band. The best part of the day was the last 3 hours of school. We had this huge grad assembly about drinking and driving, and a lady whose daughter had been killed in a car accident on prom night told her story of loss and mourning. Afterwards I thanked her and hugged her. She recognized the tunic and asked me to pray with her and begged me to keep my friends safe on prom night. She was crying while she was hugging me and she apologized for getting tears on my jacket. I said "No, it's okay. I'm fairly sure there's no article of clothing more suitable for tears to fall on."
Pretty much just incredible.
And though it still makes me kind of uncomfortable to be wearing a piece of uniform that displays a title that I do not have (last time I checked, I should definitely have blue epaulets with no stars, not red ones with 2) it was still a blessing to me and the people around me, and gave me several chances to share my faith and the SA's Doctrine with several people.

I'm out. I should probably get a decent amount of sleep before prom.
I love you all.
God's grace be with you.

Caitlyn.

Son, I loved you at your darkest.

So. This week I kinda had a little meltdown. I love investing in people, but the past few weeks, I've spent pouring out so much of my self I barely had anything left. And it feels like I kind of started teaching like I know everything, instead of teaching to learn. This Thursday I got some peace though, at Hosanna. Everything felt really natural and nice with teaching and learning.
I'm not always the teacher. It's humbling and peaceful to remember that. I'm not really ever the teacher, because none of this knowledge is mine.
I have a pretty continuous trend in my faith. And I think I'm gonna put a stop to it. I tend to get really hyper-involved in like, spirituality and warfare and stop and tootally foresake the things that my foundation is built on, that is, love, faith and hope. And I usually need to fall apart to go back and stand on my foundation again. I need to learn balance, and that's what I'm doing now. Because prophesy and tounges can fade, but faith hope and love remain.

As well, my personal worship time has been lacking lately. In the past maybe 2-3 days I've been trying to get myself back on track. My corperate prayer time with everyone never fails to blow me away, though. I love these kids. I love these kids so much.

I wore my tunic on tuesday, and I will definetly post results of that tonight when I get home from work. It was superb though. It's pretty much impossible to skip class while wearing a tunic.

ALSO! I am in need of someone to keep me accountable for:
Actually WRITING my sermon
Reading my Bible more
...and probably something else.

I love you.
Grace, peace.
Caitlyn.

I never say what I mean, never mean what I say.

I'm currantly very unimpressed with myself.

And damn, I'm just so sorry.

I'm wearing my tunic to school tomorrow.

Oh, St. Augustine.

"Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are."

Best friends for eternity.

CrashFace-Carlyepie Morris.

What we have here, this is true bestfriendship.

This is years of loving and laughing and crushes and hairdye.

This is moments when our guts ache and our cheeks hurt.

This is days when we can't stand eachother long enough for a phone call that exceeds 8 minutes

and the days when our phones die from hours of pointless conversation.

This is me moving 3 times in our friendship and my house always being an anchor to you and yours to me.

This is "Remember when!?" and "I can't wait until..."

This is HUNDREDS of concerts and shows, movies and Full Circles.

This is 10 peircings each and 500 hairstyles.

This is favorite bands, making fun of bad music and dancing so hard we can't stand up.

This is dreams that both have come true and may one day.

This is "My best friend and I..." and "this one time, me and Carlye..."

This is 8000 pictures of each other and 1600 of us together.

This is a trip to the Okangon, Vancouver, Victoria, Kamloops, Kelowna and Church together.

This must be four years by now.

I love you so much.

Caitlyn Cater-tots Spence

Doubt becomes the new addiction

I'm noticing a common theme of doubt recently. I'm seeing a lack of trust in people, a lack of trust in God, in love, in friendship and in one and others words. Come on, guys (and self) let's trust in God with all our hearts and lean not on your own understanding. Then we'll be set. Trust me.

Dangerous went really well last Sunday, on it's second run. Mike is a terrific speaker and the worship was great, although not in the stereotypical way. I think the best moments of worship was the moments where complete silence fell over us all. Where Mike was quietly strumming and all of us were too enamored (possibly wrong word) with the Spirit to move, to speak.
Afterwards I headed over to Mike Anderson's place where he and I pretty much just talked until 12:30 am. Guide me, Lord, make me a mentor to the people you want me to teach.

I'm kind of a mess lately, and kind of need a lot of hugs.

I miss Carlye, she's in Toronto.

My goal for the week: look for God in unexpected places/find worship opportunities in secular arenas.
That should probably be my goal for life.

Namsate.
I love you.

Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodess...

You know what I adore? Mentorship.

I would rather spend my time teaching, investing and helping the development of another person than doing most things. I think about it now in my Writing class; in about an hour and a half I’ll be at Hosanna with the three incredible girls that I spend hours a week teaching and mentoring along with Mary Alexander, whom I am teaching how to run a small Bible Study and helping strengthen her Biblical foundation. (Mary just joined, she bakes. I love it.)

But it’s more than Hosanna. A lot of the youth tell me that they look up to me, and although I’m not sure I’ve ever done anything to earn that (because I’ve just been doing my own thing with God) but I can deal with it. And I’ve absentmindedly started investing in all of them, too. During prayer I’ll single some people out and lead them. Tell someone that they should be praying out loud and help them. Especially what’s been going on with Mike Anderson, helping him be ready for the gift of discernment I knew he was going to receive and now helping him to use it and trust it. Or last night, praying over Carlye. I wouldn’t start until Mike was there because I knew he had words that would matter a lot to her, and I had to help him get through a lot of Mike-junk before all the Amazing Godly smooth talk came out. Or Katelyn with tounges, and how Deanna has an incredibly tough gift of compassion that she needs help dealing with because she hurts so bad because of it. I meet these kids and I fall so amazingly in love with them and all of their potential and I will spend so much of myself teaching them and guiding them. Shepherding them. And it’s amazing what happens when the fruit from that is reaped.

Because let’s face it, last night was incredible. A 15 minute prayer sesh that turns into an hour and 10 minute war cry isn’t something we aren’t used to, but last night was special. Gifts were received and used. Prophecy was spouted and the tears flowing from everyone’s eyes were our major form of worship.

My middle name means "Harvest". I think names are WAY prophetic and that’s my testament to that. Because I will spend the rest of my Christian live sewing seeds and mentoring and helping harvest the fruit of the spirit. When I watch the kids be blessed by the things I’ve taught them, that’s my harvest and my food.

Namaste, grace.

I LOVE YOU.

Caitlyn Theresa.
(Pure one who harvests)

The Christ who walks on wounded feet

I am SSOOOOOOOO sick.
Like, not even kinda sick. Want to DIE sick. My skin feels like it should be ripped off and my nasal passages removed forcefully from my anatomy.
Not that I'm complaining, or anything.

Wild Truth went pretty well tonight, I thought it went well for the first time I ever ran it. I could have done a lot better if I hadn't lost the schedual like, days ago. Carlye will do much better than I did. I went despite my insane cold/flu thing from some other world.

Hosanna tomorrow with the addition of Mary Alexander. Something is going to happen tomorrow, someone is going to pray out loud. The girls have been incredible with reading their Bibles this week, I can tell because almost every day I get a phone call from one of them saying "Hey, you know in (insert book) where it says (insert verse), what are they talking about?" I love them so much.

I'm currantly reading This Means War by Chick Yuill and I think I'm enjoying it quite a bit. It's weird, because I'm certainly enjoying the content. A lot of the things that I've always believed and understood for some reason are being confirmed and there's some really neat insight. However, It's not exactly my kind of writing style. I'm a poetic prose kind of person. But I like how it's broken up into such small sections. Chick (or his editor) must understand how overwhelming he can write.

FAYTENE KRYSKOW IS PREACHING IN NANAIMO! and you better BELIEVE I'm stoked. I haven't seen her preach since I feel in love with her at Consumed '06 in Courtaney. So stoked. I love herrr. Heather Skwarczinski had BETTER be going. April 20-12 at Maranatha, bayybeee. $35.

I finally submitted my War College application today. I want to be there. I want to be an incindiary session member. I want God's will for me more than I want my own, though. His call.

I'm going to bed, I can't believe I stayed up long enough to type this.
I hope I feel better by tomorrow.

Grace, namaste.
And I love You.

Caitlyn.

lovethisbook

This town is so severe. And silent. It makes me crazy, the silence. I wonder if a person can die from it. There's an invisible force that exerts a stedy pressure on our words like a hand to an open, spurting wound. The town office building has a giant filing cabinet full of death certificates that say choked to death on his own anger or suffocated from unexpressed feelings of unhappiness. Silentium. The only thing you hear at night is the semis barrelling down the highway carting drugged animals off to be attacked with knives. Do not make eye contact with those cows. People here just can't wait to die, it seems. It's the main event. The only reason we're not all snuffed at birth is because that would reduce our suffering by a lifetime. My guidance councellor has suggested to me that I change my attitude about this place and learn to love it. But I do, I told her. Oh, that's rich, she said. That's rich.
-Miriam Toews, A Complicated Kindness

A letter for the warriors

Dear War College:

Expect my application by the end of next week.
I love you all like a wildfire of burning...love.
(burning, aka, incindiary. get it?)

Grace, Caitlyn

Hosanna! We cry desperatly for safety!

The Nanaimo Salvation Army Youth have officially launched a non-denominational Sunday night youth service that runs on the 4th Sunday of every month, it's called Dangerous.
This Sunday was our first run, and God took charge. Mike led worship for the first time, and he was terrific. I preached a sermon called Nehemiah; Doing Not-So-Safe Things To Save Those In Danger. My Mennonite soul mate Karen Travers came out, it was superb. Dave Travers commended my speaking, which I took as a real compliment, as he's...well... Mr. Travers.
I found the service itself a little short. In the end, people didn't want to stop worshipping, and the band ran out of songs, pretty swell.
There was this one point, right after the conclusion of my sermon when Josh Reno comes up and asks me for the mic. I obliged, of course, because there's hardly anything I adore more than Josh Reno when he gets touched by the Spirit. And Josh gets up and starts talking about a homeless dude he met named Henry who swept the Thrift Store parking lot just because it was dirty. The Lord had lain him on Josh's heart and Josh got up and proclaimed it and sat back down. I love that. And that's so Salvo, hey? Just to get up and testify when the Lord tells you to. The SA was pretty much founded on prophesy and the testimonies of the saved, and I think that's God's calling over Dangerous. That's sure neat.
Shawn videotaped it like a proud dad at a ballet recital, getting what is probably best described as obnoxiously close to my face with the camera during prayer. He took notes for us to discuss at our next meeting, which I am waiting for Mike to announce. And by waiting, I mean prodding impatiently for a date.

There's probably more I could say. Hosanna is finishing the Quest series this Thursday, then we'll be starting Spiritual Gifts after a few weeks of follow up on Quest and studying what, exactly, Christianity IS. I'm already quite sure of what each of their gifts are, but we'll see. I'd rather not do one of those "Spiritual gifts tests", but we'll see.
Raw is in about 5 days. I'm pretty stoked.

My verse of the week is pretty much the entire book of Nehemiah, chapter 4 in particular. Verse 14 stands out as a favorite as well. Look it up, sissas and brahs.

Grace, peace.
Caitlyn.

When your body wants to run
But your heart knows you're better than that
The blood you spilled on battlefields
I promise you will not go unspent
Neither will I leave you stranded
The promise rings as our battle cry
You're never alone regardless of doubt
But faith comes so easy to some
-The Classic Crime, Warrior Poet (like me!)

An email from Shayna <3

Dear Caitlyn,

First off, we're so in love. I'm so proud of you. You are so strong and it has just been radiating off of you lately. You have shown so much adversity and maturity lately, it puts me to shame!

The first thing you always ask me is "knee news?" and it makes me smile everytime. The fact that even though you may be having a horrible day, your friends come first is nothing but commendable and I'm in total awe of you.

I've had the priviledge of watching you grow over these past 3 years and it's something that I'm so blessed to have witnessed (and I'm not talking about your ever changing hair and clothing!). You have become such a beautiful woman and I'm so proud of who you have become. Thank you for everything that you teach me everyday. Please don't ever doubt yourself, you are truly an amazing human being.

You are the best person I know and I love you so much sometimes it hurts.

<3x8 minutes a day
Your non-biological big sister
Shayna Rochelle Noren

I can't even make words right now

Where do I start?
War College.
I'm still not sure, or if I am I'm unsure about my surity. It was amazing, it was scary, it was confusing, it was intense, it was eye-opening.
It took me being there to realize how sheltered I am. I've never been in any enviroment half that intense. But I was so scared, and so uneasy and so in love with it.
Who knows.

This is where it stands. I could see myself at War College, and I plan on it. I just don't know when or how. Danae has trained me to take over Wild Truth. If I don't run Wild Truth next year, I don't see who will. Apperantly God has a plan or something.
Or so I''ve heard.

I was getting lines for a poem in my head today, but I didn't like them so much when I got them on paper. The only ones that stood out were

"And so I will dream dreams and mutter sacred sounds

And with soundless words and wordless sounds, I'll take hold of their lifeless arms"

In a side note, I miss my bestfriendship with you like mad.
I love you.
Grace.

Shoelaces=love

This is love:

I was bawling on the phone. Very rarely do I allow tears to invade my conversations, but I'm was too much of a mess to worry about holding down floodgates these days.
So I was missing a meeting, missing a dinner and missing my mom and apologizing to Shawn for slamming the door on him this morning over something he was probably right about, and I burst into tears.
I was crying about everything, and things I don't even want to talk about. He and molly were on speakerphone with me and I was weeping my heart out because of things Molly might have half-understood.

And then a while later, Shawn shows up at my door with an "emo care package", full of chocolate (because it's chocolate), shoelaces (because I'm emo), shampoo (because...I'm greasy?) and corn (because I am a vegitarian).

And my head hurts from crying, and I don't feel much better, but I feel loved.
And I'm glad this conversation happened, because I could have never had it by myself:

MOLLY <> says:
after we got off the phone with you
MOLLY <> says:
i was like "she really loves you shawn, you know"
Caitlyn.. it's only a matter of life or death says:
what did he say?
MOLLY <> says:
he asked me why i think that
Caitlyn.. it's only a matter of life or death says:
what did you say?
MOLLY <> says:
i said "i think she thinks of you as the father she's never really had"
Caitlyn.. it's only a matter of life or death says:
then what?
Caitlyn.. it's only a matter of life or death says:
(I could never say these words)
MOLLY <> says:
he got really happy

a coward disguised as a lover.

I'm a crazy mess, but my King loves me like crazy and has a plan.

That's what I've been telling myself for the past day or so, or, rather, reminding myself.
Grade 12 is a mess.
My friendships are a mess.
My sermon is a mess.
Hosanna is a mess. (it's my first bible study, okay?)
My emotions are a mess.
My rediculous love life (or lack of) is a mess.
My God is amazing.

Pray for my mommy, she's going to Edmonton in a few hours for 3 days and I am going to miss her so much.
My house will be a mess.

My acoustic project is coming together swimmingly.

I've been listening to This Providence (www.myspace.com/this providence) like crazy, pretty much the best christian band I've heard in a long time. If you like Paramore and/or Run Kid Run, you'll like them.

next weekend I'm off to The War College for a visit with Nicole. I'm nervous, I'm excited, I want something revealed to me while I'm there, but I won't press God for it, he tells me things when he wants me to know them.

I LOVE YOU.
Peace, grace, namaste.

St. Francis' prayer

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
where there is hatred; let me sow love
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
-Saint Francis of Assisi

The Irresistible Revolution

So if the world hates us, we take courage that it hated Jesus first. If you're wondering whether you'll be safe, just look at what they did to Jesus and those who followed him. There are safer ways to live than by being a Christian. And there are cooler ways to live than by trying to follow the gospel. But look on the bright side, if you end up in jail, historically, you will be in very good company. Jail has always been an important place for Christians. In eras of injustice, it becomes the Christian's home.
So live real good and get beat up real bad. Dance until they kill you, and then we'll dance some more. That's how this thing seems to work.

-Shane Claiborne, Love extremist and ordinary radical

see no evil, speak no healing

First draft, strong start, good ending.

and sir, it's like you walk up here
like you know, or I know
something we don't need to bring up with words.
and so sir, I'm not gonna pretend that
there's time to spend on
mourning, lamenting and too much contemplating
on the things that aren't worth changing.

And yeah, sir, they were right.
there is seven that will kill you. they just
messed up a few.
Greed, yeah they got that one
but they forgot most.
Greed, apathy, ignorance, complaint,
indulgence, destruction and fear

Because yeah, I agree we need to change.
but there's seven deadly sins and
a lot of broken hearts.
So love hard and remember your life before love
live until they kill you, and try to change their minds.
There's too much hurt and
too little change.
Take chances, dance ungracefully
and grant one and other grace.
I dare you to believe in justice, in the righting of wrongs
Because when we become jaded, it means we become everything we once hated.

Lace up your shoes with readiness and peace

Okay, let's throw this down, starting from the bottem up.
I'm usually complaining or worrying about my foundation, whether I'm strong enough built on more rock than sand.

Ephesians 6
Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

So my foundation (feet) needs to be built on readiness and peace that I am given through the gospel. I think the two need eachother. Being ready means anticipating, waiting and the ability to start the second you're called. Peace means an assurance that whatever you're waiting for, will come. The achievemnt of both states of mind and being are found by chewing up the gospel.
What do I need to be ready for? God's plan for me and my life. I need to stop assuming and guessing. I need to start living my life minute to minute, doing what I can for God as the seconds pass and seeking the kingdom. In all ways, know him and acknowledge him and he'll straighten my path.
Why do I need peace? Because I stress all over the place! Duh! Because I need peace in the assurance of my salvation (thank God for grace!) and peace in the assurance of God's plan for me.
Well, he's told me he's got a plan in several ways, I need to stop forgetting.
Taylor Craig wrote a prophetic poem over me months ago. It's one that's been a constant blessing to both of our lives.

A girl once told me;
"It feels like my life is unraveling."

They do that now and then.
Lives.
Lives unravel now and then.
There's not really a warranty on them.
If you go to Zellers, or Wal-Mart or somewhere.
There's always some sort of return deal.
In store credit, or cash back if you're lucky.
But there's not when it comes to life.
Which is strange you know?
Life is a gift.
Strung together by these infinitesimally small pieces that some Almighty created.
Some know-it-all, made-it-all kind of being created you, and I, and us.
And gave us to us, and our lives to us, as a gift.
And normally gifts have the best exchange rates.
But life doesn't.
Otherwise I'd return mine. Just send it back to this God by whatever means.
But you'd get nothing in return.
Emptiness just brings more emptiness.
And there's no answer to unhappiness, no earthy answer to unhappiness.
The policy is free buys nothing more.
And we kind of work with what we have.

Now you're asking:
But this Guy created us,
and wanted us to be happy.
And if this man, He,
took life and molded me,
and just wanted us to be happy;
Then how is it that out of all of these insecurities,
and day to day unsurities,
and the little pieces of life that should all fall together so easily,
but just don't because life is so much harder than it seems,
He excepts us to fall to our knees,
and worship him?

And is he really in control of my life.
I need a sign,
some reassurance from God divine
just to prove that he spends some time
thinking things through
and making sure that in all our lives
and from day to day the things we do
are not in vain and not unorganized.
And some how our dreams we dream, in spite of it all come true.


I told that girl.
Who had a name, but I fail to mention it here.
That girl.
God made you not to live in fear of tomorrow.
Or where you will be in one year or ten years.
But to live life to the full today,
and know that it is him who will say,
and has said,
"When you rest in me,
I will take away all of your tears."

And he means it.

By those words, which Taylor and I both believe were given to us by our God, and the divine Holy Bible, I'll find peace and readiness.
I need to get off of this unstable sand, and find the rock that'll outlast the storm.

Peace and grace.
<3

Grace make your way to the well.

For how much I talk about "grace", for the amount of times I use that word in a day and the songs I listen to that are about it, let alone the scriptures pertaining to it, I think it's amazing that I forgot all about grace.
I've spent so much time thinking about who I am and who I should be, what the church is and how to stop it from being what it shouldn't be, and what it means to be living like Christ and pushing myself to go places that I can't go yet (see post where I complain about living in my house. Wow. That was grateful.) I've been so caught up that I forgot all about grace.
What an amazing, amazing gift.
wow.
I'm sorry God.
I won't forget about grace.

I need to rebuilt myself, reequip myself with the armor, starting from the feet. I need peace.
I'll find my peace in the grace I am given through faith.
I'm ready to wait now, God must be so sick of my nagging him.

Grace remix.

I finally got around to messing around with this one, and I'm much more pleased with it now.
It still needs a name.

So you're sitting here, sitting and crying
and I'll take your indignant silence as prayer, girl.
You're saying you're weak, we both know you're lying
let's talk this out, because by sunrise I need you out in the world.

I'm burned and I'm breaking,
I'm in the wilderness, I'm in the rain,
I'm scared and I'm hurting,
Lost, dying and dirty.
Why are they always so strong?
Why am I always alone?
why do they get to cast out what is wrong?
And why do I get attacked and beg to come home?

Listen, kid
you won't ever get to be the strong one.
You'll always be breaking; and it'll be worth it in the long run.
And I want you here, I want you home too
but your brothers and sisters, I need them to come with you.

So fix me now
I'm not okay and my world is upside-down
I need to feel okay again,
Because I don't know how much longer I can go without your rain.

Holy yourself up, doll, then we'll talk complete healing
but there's things in this world that deserve your grieving

Yeah okay, I get that
but would you mind explaining to me
how everything falls so easily?
Why you allowed death on this planet and then put me here
and now you expect me to hope in you, and somehow not fear?
and how come you, in infinite wisdom-

Slow down, babydoll, let's take this one at a time
first, It's not your job to be strong
it's mine.
And death will always follow you, always be on your back
but I promise you'll find life in me, that I'll give you anything you lack

I get that, I trust you, I'm sorry Dad
I know I need to wait on you and put my life in your hands
I'll wait for healing, just please
stay with me

Remember what I told your brother Joshua all those years ago?
I'll never foresake you nor forget you
Now go.
Your knees must ache from all this kneeling,
and those wounds in your heart will take time healing;
but I promise I'll fix you, these wounds I'll heal into scars.
I give you peace and grace, free you from sin's iron bars.
the world doesn't need to see you being strong
They need to see me holding you, and you singing my songs.

Consider me, the comfortable, afflicted.

x Shayna- There ain't no waffles in Belgium says:
I'm proud of you
x Shayna- There ain't no waffles in Belgium says:
just for everything
Caitlyn.. these hearts are yours says:
really?
x Shayna- There ain't no waffles in Belgium says:
yea
Caitlyn.. these hearts are yours says:
why?
x Shayna- There ain't no waffles in Belgium says:
because you're following your heart and you have so much courage that you don't even know you have
Caitlyn.. these hearts are yours says:
I love you so much!
x Shayna- There ain't no waffles in Belgium says:
I love you too!
x Shayna- There ain't no waffles in Belgium says:
DON'T CRY
x Shayna- There ain't no waffles in Belgium says:
lol, you'll ruin the moment

That's my unbiological big sister Shayna, whom I love like crazy.
So I was thinking in the shower, if God comforts and afflicted and afflicts the comfortable, I sure am afflicted. It's hard for me to live in this house, eat the food and drive in my parents cars. It's getting REALLY hard, this feels so backwards and wrong. I had an argument with my dad some months ago regarding the poor. My dad is a Jehovah's Witness, right? And I was raised one and believe that they love the same Christ as I, they just get a little confused about some religion and theology. Anyways, assuming that my father and I adore the same Saviour, I asked dad if he would like to man a kettle that week, because we were so short. His response? He laughed. That was really hard for me, driving in the passenger seat of his 2006 Magnum and having him chuckle about the idea of helping the Salvation Army's efforts with the downtown poor. I asked him why and he said "Jehovah's Witnesses don't DO that, it's celebrating Christmas". I asked him what Jehovah's Witnesses DID do for the poor, and he responded with an indifferant, "nothing, really". I brought up the verse where Jesus talks about a docter coming to heal the sick, not deal with the healthy and he talked about how, sometimes, he was sure his brothers and sisters in the organisation went downtown with tracts and books. That was still really hard. Jesus didn't just offer paper to the homeless and sinners, he washed their feet. I don't think a congregation of JW's (or at least tnot the ones I was brought up with) would react very well at ALL to a homeless person coming into a service. Since then, my dad has bought a new car, a new couch, three lazyboy chairs and has considered a summerhome. And since then, I've been seriously afflicted. I can't do this, it's hetting so hard. I've never been one of the kids who buys a lot of clothes or cares who's name is on their cereal box, but it's getting hard to watch my dad, who believes Christ died for his sins, buy a cabin he'll only see a few weeks of the year. We'll have an empty cabin for 10 months and someone downtown could be praying to whatever God listens for a warm bed and a hug. One time I quote St. Francis to my dad, Prech the gospel, and, if neccesary, speak. My dad said "yeah, but he wasn't a Jehovah's Witness". Well, no, because Jehovah's Witnesses weren't founded for quite some time, but he believe in the same Christ, didn't he?
This is just al real hard. I'm a kid who, if I found out my ipod (if I had one) was made by some kids in a dark factory, I'd have a real hard time touching it. it's hard for my to live in thise house, where we spend our blessings like they belong to us, and we give freely unto the corperation as we had freely given unto us.
I need to break out. I need to live how I always dreamed, minaminlly as possible in some slum district, probably never having a real career. But I probably can't give up on my dad. Mother Teresa said that in the rich, we find a differant kind of poverty, we find loneliness. I don't doubt my dad is lonely. But this is soo hard. But Jesus never said it would be easy, right? Things that easy can be done on our own, it's the hard things where we relaise how badly we need God in our lives. cynicisym takes very little energy, I need to start finding other ways to deal with this.
I have no clue what'll happen when I finish highschool. I don't think I'm the kind of person that'll ever have a real career, I'll be too busy loving people all the time.

"What would a twenty-year-old Jesus have said if they asked him 'What are you going to do when you grow up?' I don't know, probably something like, 'I'm going to turn the world upside-down. I'm going to hang out with tax collecters and prostitutes until they kill me.' Or what would Peter have said? 'Well, I was going to be a fisherman, but then I met this dude, and he messed all that up.'" -Shane Claiborne

Those should be our answers, or something like that, shouldn't they? This world gets so caught up in where we're going, what we are going to do. We as followers of Christ need to start focusing on who we are becoming (as Christ-like as possible, hopefully) and what Christ is going to do with US.

Grace and peace.
<3.

You need God, not oxygen.

Today was intense. The Spirit decided to come hang out with me in my room.
So I'm just like, in my room after a TERRIFIC Hosanna right? Rockin out to some Paramore, as usual. And I was singing My Heart at the top of my lungs, because I usually do that. And all of a sudden I get slammed with the Spirit. Like, hardcore. Had, what I guess could be best described as, a series of tiny Glory fits or something, it was intense. I just sat crying and praying and prophesying for like, 2 hours.
I don't even know, but I haven't felt like that in months.
At Hosanna today, I started talking to the girls about my experiances at Consumed, which is weird, because for a long time I was in a place, theologically, that made me think I wasn't ready to understand what happened. Maybe I took a lesson from Billy Booth and stopped caring about theology and only reading into the Spirit and the Word. That was the first time I saw Faytene Kriskow speak (pretty much life-changing or whatever), first time I ever experianced glory gold-dust, first time I ever witnessed tounges or learned anything about demons and how they can effect us in this world.
I remember one night, we threw open the doors of the church and spilled out into the parking lot dancing our hearts out and throwing ourselves at Jesus' feet.
Consumed and Avalanche, those were crazy freakin weekends. I love the CFC crew.
I'm doing History Maker again this year, mostly stoked because my lovely Mennonite soulmates from Neighborhood are coming with us.

So maybe the War College won't get off my heart lately, and maybe all the mystery TWC kids posting on my blog are making my day. Maybe I really, really need to apply there, my mom is suprised I haven't already.

And EVERYBODY has to go pick up The Irrisistable Revolution - Living as an Ordinary Radical by Shane Claiborne. I picked it up a few days ago and have read it 3 times. If you have any hesitation towards the idea that God calls us to truly become the least in this world, you'll have some new ideas after readin his prophetic words.

ALSO
be SURE to check out the Nanaimo OTHERS group blog!
www.thesalvationarmyothers.blogspot.com
AND the PRAYER BLOG (and NOT just because I run it)
www.saothersprayer.blogspot.com

I love you all.
Grace and peace be yours .

<3 style="font-weight: bold;">

if this is love, the fairytales never came true.

I hate demons, and I sure hate lust.
Lust seems to be how the dumb devil is making grabs at my loved ones (and myself) lately.
I'm really seeing the reason we're not supposed to let ourselves be unequally yoked, it's useless. When I'm bummed or feel particularly attacked, I go to the people I trust most. My best friends, my mentors, my comforters. What I usually need from those people is a slap on the side of the head and for them to yell "Jesus LOVES you!" into my face over and over until I get it, until I remember the price my Saviour paid for me. Now, if I had a boyfriend or something enter into the equation, I can't even imagine not being able to receive that reminder from him. I could never be in a relationship without the bond of the Holy Spirit. I think that, when you've that THAT person, the one you love like no one else, they should be your everything. Your best friend, your mentor, your student, your teacher, the person you laugh with and the shoulder you cry on. If you need to go anyone else for one of those things, I think something is missing. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that the only reason that you chose to have best friends after finding the love that God made for you in another person is because you enjoy their company so much, not because they have something your significant other doesn't.
I have to stop preparing to settle for less, I can wait.
I have faith in God's love for my friends, and I know a lot of them have already seen the conviction they needed, to learn that porn is stupid, sex is for husbands and wives, waiting is worth it and that not having a boyfriend doesn't mean you're not worth loving.
We all need to start seeing ourselves through God's eyes, not through our boy/girlfriends.

I love you.

Grace, peace and an assurance that you are LOVED be yours in ABUNDANCE.